Tuesday

Seven years ago, I fell.

 

September comes, bringing with it every feeling, every whisper, every emotion emblazoned in my memory. It reminds me that there was a time when the stars aligned perfectly and I realized who I was as a person, as a living, breathing soul. It was more powerful, heartstopping and beautiful in it's simplicity than anything I've ever been a part of.

I have yet to catch my breath, even after all this time. How can it seem so close to five seconds ago?

Twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could

I am thankful for every second, every breath, every heartbeat.

Keep me where the light is...

Straight

The dark moments are further away with each breath, each step. Looking back isn't hard considering I find the past in my face constantly.

First, I pray for you every day without fail. I pray that God gives you stillness & the ability to look deeply @ the cracks in your psyche that maybe someday you will find a way to give them closure. No one else should have to do it for you. It's yours to do.

Second, thank you for everything you taught me. You taught me strength. You taught me that I won't break. You taught me that I don't have any reason to accept your anger, your accusations or your pitiful, paranoid ways. You taught me that no matter how hard you or any other person on this planet try, my family will not be torn apart. You taught me that narcissism, jealousy and anger are traits that were instilled in you long before I entered your life and they will be there long after I'm gone.

Third, I learned peace can be found in the midst of battle, that problems can be overcome & that I have never been and will continue to not be responsible for your problems, your anger, your pettiness, your jealousy, your misery, anything about you. I learned that stillness, quiet and love will flourish, that time will heal all and that not matter who you attempted to break, it didn't work. If anything it taught me to rise again. It set an example for my children on how not to treat a prospective mate in their future. They learned that I didn't accept that treatment, thereby setting the example that they not treat anyone that way or allow themselves to be treated that way.

Fourth, any respect I ever had for you left when you used your children as pawns while attempting to break mine. I am disgusted. I am saddened. I am not in the least surprised. Who knew how brightly your narcissism could shine?

Fifth, I mentioned the lack of respect I have for you above. I haven't mentioned that you broke the hearts of two boys that trusted you, that respected you and felt that you were as upstanding a person as you attempt to portray yourself and I use both portray and attempt lightly. There will come a time that you will be called out. I wasn't there when he realized you were a hypocrite, a liar or anything else that he spoke with disgust of who you turned out to be. I won't be there when you are called out.

Your kids. I am sad for them.
They will grow up. They will look back. They will question you. I pray for them that you don't try to break them if you hear something that doesn't sound the way you want to remember it. They deserve the best life has to offer. Too bad you aren't capable of giving them that.

As for me & mine, we will walk forward as a family rebuilding our faith, our laughter, our happiness and our lives...trusting in God, our church family, our blood family, our friends, our community and our lives and we will do it as a family.

09-13-13

The Impact of Seventeen

Friday night, Centerpoint SR. Knights played a regular season football games against Dierks SR. Outlaws in Dierks. Centerpoint's # 55 had leg cramps during the game but played his heart out.

Saturday morning, while hunting w/ friends, he again had leg cramps while in the water, went under & wasn't seen again. Saturday night's candlelight vigil brought over three hundred people searching for answers, ready to give of thier hearts, prayers and love to a family devestated.

Monday, we mourned, we laughed, we cried, we stood in awe of the impact one young life had on us all. His mother & I spoke as we stood by her oldest son's coffin, embracing as she told me that if any one thing happened in a positive way from this, it was Trevor's rededicating his life & getting baptised Sunday. She knew when she heard that that maybe it was reason enough. At visitation, people spoke on the young man's behalf, one woman standing up to give her nieces' testimony that she wouldn't have been saved or baptised had he not talked to her about God's grace. As we drove home from visitation, Trevor said I am going to talk to Dalton & Tony @ church. I want to be that guy, the one that helps lead people to God. A couple weeks earlier, he ordered his sr. ring w/ a cross , a baseball & a basketball on it.

Tuesday, we stood together as a community from all corners of the state, from other states, FHA friends lining one wall as football teammates in jerseys lined the other wall, baseball teammates, coaches, church leaders, church friends, family & family friends all stood as one to say goodbye to an incredible young man that was a true testimony to God's grace & pure love. It was said that he touched far more lives in losing his @ the young age of 17 than he would have had he lived to the age of eighty. If the fve hour vistation of over fifteen hundred people and the church standing room only from inside to outside were any indication, then yes, his impact was huge.

Tomorrow night, I'll celebrate love, pure & true, laughter, a sense of having almost everyone together that will hold me tight in it's embrace & carry me through one more time until we meet again. Quietly & with deep thanks that almost all of mine are together under one roof.

Thank you, God, for thinking about me, I'm alive & doing fine.

The talk...by the boys three

Mom, can I wear my sliders to school? Yes. Can I wear my athletic shorts? Yes? Can I wear my birthday suit? :D Just checking to see if you were paying attention, Mom. I think you are happier now that we are gone. Do you? I think verbal abuse isn't healthy for you. I can see how you would feel that way, babe. I hear you laugh more, hear you sing more & you are able to snuggle more at night. Win win situation for Cole, Trev & I, hmm? Laughing...nah...it's a triple win for me, babe.

So, Mom. The world is your oyster. What are you going to do first? Are you going to date? Are we getting married again? Questions questions...what is this, the Spanish Inquisition? It is MUCH more serious than that, Mom. This is your life we are talking about & that whoever dates you better walk the line because us three won't tolerate any bad treatment for you. I'm serious, Mom.

When are we going camping, Mom? It's cooling down & we have the tent. I'm ready when you are. Can I skip school to swim All day? :) Negative ghostrider. Wanted to make sure you were paying attention, Mom. I'll be right here if you need me. I love you, Mom. Good night. G'night Bleu. Love you more:}

Sooo Mom, I think we need to talk about you dating again. I think you need to start back immediately. No reason to wait around. Is that right? I have no desire to date right now & possibly ever. "Is that right?" Yes, Trevor. That's right. As one of the two men of the house, I think you should go ahead & start.

Hey Mom, yes Cole? I'd like to talk to you about dating again. I got nothing. Good, because as the man of the house, you should. Really?Okay, I will.

Silence...

Good. I'm glad we talked.

Love you, Mom. Good night.

The glow of memories transient bring a smile to my face as September comes back to me, tucked safely in my heart where all things beautiful & full of love reside. It's good to be in your presence again.

 

 

 

 

 

Sunrise

...I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end 
This is the end of the innocence   
Don Henley

 Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a cool change
Now that my life is so prearranged
I know that it's time for a cool change
Little River Band 

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Simon & Garfunkel

 

And then

 

 

Almost a year ago, I stood by helplessly watching Daddy fight cancer a second time with all he had. A year ago, my heart shattered on a daily basis as I stayed with him, tears flowing unchecked as we said every single thought, every precious word and managed to cram in a few more beyond. A year ago, I watched as he gradually withdrew into himself, my memories of a million laughs, songs, practical jokes, him being present for each of the boy's birth telling them he already had them a ball glove and the Razorbacks & Cubs were the best, cheer for anyone in the SEC and anyone that ever played the Longhorns, hey babe, hey catfish, Dad's rule #1-NEVER buy anything but Craftsman, teaching me to drive my '63 Chevy three speed on the column (on two wheels), telling Mom I broke his nerve...( :) ), the phone call that he was in the span of a breath.

Almost a year ago, I realized once again that family is strength, the backbone of life. I am fortunate enough to have not only my blood family, but my friend fambly. Both give and take, both love unconditionally, as do I.

During the past year, Cole started his Senior Year. Daddy's birthday came & went as did all of ours. Trevor hit it over the fence. Cole & Trevor played SR basketball & baseball together. Cole graduated high school. Auburn hit her first single. Elijah came off much medicine. Garrett played on in band.  Walker played second with all he had. Victoria cheered. Ronnie Beau grinned, walked and ran.

In the last month, I am grateful to be surrounded by God's grace, peace, love, light & laughter from every corner of the universe Larry & I, my family & fambly have created. Each a piece of heaven, a blessing of peace & harmony.

Thank you, God.