Moving right along

Some of my youngest memories are of going across country to California with a car full of Garners, stopping at the Royal Gorge, looking forever down as people drove by us on the bridge, driving over the Foresthill Bridge, the road winding around the mountain, steadily gaining elevation as that homecoming feeling washed over me...sometimes just being in a place brings a feeling of peace.

As far back as I can remember, I've thought in cars and music.

I recall living in Russellville with a red VW van, curtains in the windows, blue with ships on them-bed in the back in place of the back couple rows of seats. Dad and Mom would throw a bag in the van for all of us and we'd take off driving. Wherever we'd end up that night, we'd stay.

Is it any wonder Dan & I have the traveling bug? :)

A different trip headed to California rolling to sleep to Mom & GranG's voices as Gran rocked Dan in her carrier seat in the Chevy Chevette...bags packed to the roof as we trundled across country. Yet another trip as Mom, Gran, Dan & I traveled across country in the extended cab red Chevy, camper shell on the back with a piece of plywood across the back held down by the camper so we could sleep. I'd look to the front seat and see Gran with Kleenex stuck in her ears, laughter bubbling over...or look behind me to the back seat where she'd have Kleenex stuck in her nose...Yeeeeeee would echo off the cab of the truck.

On the above trip, we finally wore Mom and Dan (our family's true compasses) down and as I got behind the wheel in six lane traffic in Salt Lake City, Mom's last words were follow the map, pull over if you get lost....Gran and I readily agreed and proceeded to get into traffic neck deep. As traffic flew past us with me driving 75 and 85, it was join the herd or be moved down. There was no move over bacon, there was only the sound of mine and Gran's skin sizzling on the six lane freeway of life.

Another legend was born.

Today, it began anew.

We ate breakfast, grabbed drinks for everyone and headed out. Where are we going? North. How long? Until we stop. Are we going to a certain destination or what? Yes. :) After bickering a few miles, we settled in to smoother sailing. As the miles progressed, we relaxed, talking, singing, tickling, picture taking, making memories that I hope they'll treasure when they look back. As we neared Queen Wilhelmina, starvation set in. We sat on top of the mountain eating, a family made of love, strength and memories in the making.

Maybe someday when they are grown, they'll look back to memories of road trips, laughter, music, (Mom, please turn it to 97.5---again, Trevor? That's all you EVER want to listen to---Yes, Elijah, again) and family.

Until next time...

You don't look very Autistic

You don’t look very autistic - the case for autistic empathy
With no look of apology or shame, I make my way to what others perceive as the front of the queue and wonder at the intolerance of those who grumble at me. Without the slightest embarrassment I talk over customers speaking with the cashier and ask for directions to what I’m looking for and when I’m told off, I’m shocked at the rudeness of people. I will seize on a part of what someone has said and seemingly ignore what really matters. I will say what is logical with complete disregard for the feelings of others and will merrily chatter on topics which clearly relate to their pain with no thought for how insensitive I’m being. With no thought for the care of merchandise or people’s belongings, I have helped myself to furniture and hoisted myself onto shelves to reach something I have been told I can use and am confused as to why anyone would then be annoyed at me that I didn’t wait or ask for help. I will say hello to a neighbor coming out of her house then ignore her as she passes me in a car or down the street. I will push someone out of my way when busy doing something. Clearly I’m a bad and selfish person completely lacking in empathy?
Think again.
I have autism. Some of you will feel that proves your point, that I’m selfish, rude, lack empathy or consideration for others.
I’m also someone who cares deeply about the world, about inequality, injustice and am often the first person to help anyone who is lost, hurt, crying or in trouble. When I do, I’m not heart on my sleeve but purely practical, often if I don’t start joking about whilst doing so (because people’s feelings make me nervous) I’m rather po-faced and its very difficult to know what I feel. But what I feel is empathy, a deep caring, a feeling of wanting to make their lot easier, that life is hard enough.
So what of these other things? If I’m so empathic why do I do these seemingly rude, intolerant, unempathic things.
I’m intermittently meaning deaf and meaning blind, also context blind, face blind and lack a capacity to process a simultaneous sense of ’self’ and ‘other’. What does this mean for everyday life, for communication and interaction.
Well, aside from being told ‘you don’t look very autistic’, being meaning deaf means that I will only understand parts of what I hear. Even then I will be utterly literal and effectively ‘meaning deaf’ to any deeper level of significance not only in what other people say, but in my own speech. I am speaking on an extremely literal level. Given I didn’t get even the literal meaning of sentences till late childhood this isn’t my failing. It’s my achievement. And its an achievement that gets so many nasty looks, nasty comments, nasty judgment from others in the community, that I tend to avoid most involvement, certainly with anyone new.
Being meaning blind means that I don’t recognise what I see until a second or so after I see it. Sometimes not until I touch it or move it. Once I move an object I know what it is. This is especially so if things aren’t in places that assist their recognition. So its like being blind, meaning blind. And context blindness is related. It means that I can’t process the part in the wider context of the whole. I can’t tell which end is the right part of the queue to join. Sometimes I’ll join any group of three people thinking its a queue and its not. I see things but don’t know what they are or how they might impact on each other. So I may go after the thing I recognise or which has been pointed out to me without realising that the things I’m climbing on are people’s furniture or that I’m moving around their valued objects. All I’m seeing are shapes and colors. And that brings us to face blindness. I can recognise a neighbor who is leaving their house, but outside of their context, they are strangers, almost everyone is. If I know where I’m to find someone, I can recognise them, otherwise I appear to snub people because I’m afraid of these seeming strangers who grin at me and wave, some even use my name and I’ve never seen them before in my life.
And then there’s inability to process a simultaneous sense of self and other. This one means that whilst in the midst of an action (self) I can’t process the meaning of things, people, interactions around me. People may be speaking but I hear noise and see mouths moving but don’t know they are speaking. I see a big moving thing in my way which won’t move but don’t realise its a human with feelings. I get annoyed at all kinds of obstacles and find ways around them and without an ability to process self and other when in the midst of an action, there is not capacity to even imagine or consider asking for help because perceptually, at that time, no other human exists. I also notice others. I notice them acutely, passionately. I study them. I love people. They fascinate me. But when they speak to me or offer me something they sometimes get no response. That’s when I can find them, but I can’t process my own existance at that time. How much less selfish can a human being get.
Non-autistic humans generally imagine they have empathy. They are subjective and have enough fluent capacity to simultaneously process self and other that they would perhaps rarely see other people in their pure form, without bias, as perhaps only God might see them. Some of these supposedly empathic non-autistic people tutt at me, they attack me, they study me, they quiz me, they wait for me to ‘trust’ them enough to ask for help before doing things, doing anything. They rush me, they watch me, they attribute my processing and perceptual disorders to character faults and then seek to help me learn to ‘get over them’, help me gain ‘insight’ into my lack of empathy. I look into their searching eyes, then look away, because I see only their selfishness and can see they can’t actually see me. Their minds are in the way.
Then I go home, slightly more lonely and alienated, dust myself off for another day and determine to not be scared and to continue to love them. I look in the mirror and their words ring in my ears ‘you don’t look very autistic’.
by Donna Williams
autistic author, artist, screenwriter
http://www.donnawilliams.net/

God's Going To Do Great Things...I Already Know...

Dear Daddy,

I can't tell you how I count my blessings daily when I get a phone call or early morning hey babe! love you! text from you. We came so close to losing you & still...we all flinched at the prospect of waking up and not seeing your smiling face or hearing you say let me give you some class, babe...as you play some more Zimmy.

We are doing the Relay For Life, May 13/14th in Glenwood in your honor.
Team Snoopy was the name YOU choose.
The heart & soul of our team were created from the pure love and dedication to your three girls, your determination to take care of Moma along with your desire to watch every sport your grandboys & grandgirls play for many games to come.

You are here.
We are walking in your honor, coming together with friends and family to celebrate your life, remember the many lives that cancer has crossed and celebrate the family members and friends that fought the good fight.

I love you, Daddy.

Team Snoopy

Today, my breath was torn from me by the soul crushing, gasping dry sobs that rip me into shreads in equal levels of fear, anger, frustration, determination, love, faith and complete and total support.

Tonight, it felt good to be alive. It felt good to be sitting at a table with people that knew exactly what the battle with cancer was about, the sundown, the darkness, the early morning silence...as well as the promise of conquering the unknown in dawn's early light.

Tonight, I looked across the room, hearing different people's stories of how thier lives were affected, but these were not "just" stories. These were people's souls, thier very breath carrying throughout, voices stilled, yet heard, pain felt and shared in mutual love.

Tonight, I sat near my father and sister, both battling the cancer demon and thoughts thereof. I listened to my dad as he spoke of his battle, his support system of his three girls...Dan, Ton & Sharon and listened as he said that today was his last day of radiation...while holding back sobs for Jenifer, Courtney and Shanna as their hearts quietly, bravely shattered in the silence.

Tonight, Dad and I talked on the way home from the Relay For Life Meeting. His decision to name us Team Snoopy brought to mind a million memories...

Memories of a three year old blonde keed listening to Sony headphones as her dad said let me give you some class, babe-this is Led Zepplin...
As a three year old brown haired girl danced around the same living room with the same pair of headphones on listening to ...you guessed it...Led Zepplin.
The huge superstar reception he always got when he'd come home off the road,
The pictures hanging on the walls of his domicile when he was working construction,
The tea parties where we all wore suits and ties...or something simliar...
The Royal Order of Snoopus clandestine meetings, 
Taking both his girls to see Motley Crue & Whitesnake in Shreveport,
Slow dancing with his Babe in the living room,
Laughing at the rear bumper of the truck as he said the camcorder isn't on, babe...

We'll pray hard enough to run off the devil, we'll prepare hard enough to scare off the cancer, to stand together to support Dad, Danielle, the people that have lost loved ones before us and the
people that will rejoice in a cure after us.

And in the end, we will know that we have celebrated life, love, our support system and a family's love, whether by friendship or by blood.

Until then,
Pray together,
Love one another,
Support us all
and
Celebrate life.

Team Snoopy.

Green & Pink Dewrags

And I'll protect you from anyone or anything that will ever try to hurt you because that's what big sisters do, I whispered to my brand new little sister as I laid by her in the floor, her little hand wrapping around my finger as she cooed at me.

TonTon! TonTon! TonTon! Her arms raised, swinging her in a million circles.

She was fascinated by the Christmas tree & would stare into the star ornament for hours when she wasn't trying to pull the star ornament off the tree. I don't remember how many times she pulled the tree over on herself that year.

Christmas morning in the trailor, she might've been three? She came out of the bedroom in her pjs, rubbing sleep out of her eyes to see her little race car & the little pool table, her face lighting with joy. It's one of my favorite freezeframes of her with her long brown hair fuzzled up from sleep.

Riding bicycles in the yard for hours upon hours as Buffy went mile after faithful mile with us.

Her first day of Kindergarten, such a tiny, pretty little thing with her shiny new backpack on.

The day on the bus that she picked up a boy by the front of his shirt & busted his nose because he wouldn't leave her alone & she & I both got sent to the principal's office. I can just imagine the look on Moma's face when the principal called-Mrs. Dingler, both your daughters were involved in a fight on the bus...laughing...

Her bunking parties filled the house with little girl giggles, blue eye shadow among other 6th grade favorites dissappearing out of my makeup bag as faces were painted and hairs were curled.

Will you hold my hand, too? I'll just sit here between you two as I brought a boyfriend to the house to have his heart melted by the brownhaired youngest Dingler girl.

Looking out the living room window with Gera as he kissed me the first time, giggling and telling Moma, he's kissing Tonya!!!!

Slipping a cutout from a magazine under my bedroom door that said play with your little sister...I still have it in a scrapbook.

Dear Tonya, I hate you, love Dan.

Played pitch with her in the yard for hours upon hours...got me ready for the same words from Trevor years later...

Took her to softball practices, watched her pregame rituals, her hair pulled up in a ponytail, her green & pink dew rags tied on her ankle as she played her heart out with Gera & Sonya-the game with Amity where the ball hit a rock, bounced up & broke her nose...

Her waking in ENT outpatient after her nose was rebroken saying where the hell am I?!!!

GranG taking us to the lake & threatening Dan within an inch of her life if she went out one more inch in the water because Gran couldn't swim...as Dan swam to the dock pretending to not hear a word Gran said.

Popping her Muppets movie in the vcr to find it'd been recorded over with much porn-Tonya, why are those people doing that on my Muppets tape?!!!

Taking her & Gera Christmas shopping with a boyfriend in Nashville, he thought he'd buy lunch for us all...gently trying to talk him out of it as he insisted...Dan ordered three burgers, three fries and two shakes...much to his chagrin...silly boy.

Taking her to the lake as we cruised in the batwagon-styling & profiling...playing volleyball in the summer with the lake kids @ the state park.

Cartwheeling through the living room with infinite grace as I continue to walk into walls to this day.

Losing a dear friend, I cried in my bedroom until I was almost throwing up as she came in, sit by me and held my hand...those little tiny moments...

Watching her climb out of the back of the truck in Nebraska as we stopped to stretch on the way to California...she keep unfolding & I knew then that Mom was right-all the tickling, teasing & being the honery big sister had finally expired. She was going to get me back for all of it now that she was growing up.

Dan, Jen, Shane running amuck-where you going, Dan? I don't know-anywhere Jen & Shane are going. :D

I'm getting married!
I'm pregnant! Awww Cole, you are the most beautiful thing in the world!
Awww, little Trevorbear-AuntD loves you!
Love you, little ElijahBlue!

I'm getting married!

I'm getting divorced.
Me too.

Porch meeting a couple weeks before Christmas. Dad has cancer. We are going to beat it...and we have so far.

Hogwild & faithful.

I'm pregnant!
OMG, Dan, she is the most beautiful girl creature in the world!
Why can I never find a shirt that says Mommy's little girl?!!! Searching for Mommy shirts hight & low as she took the world by storm, crawling, walking, dancing to 2 1/2 men music...
I'm getting married!


Auburn's Mom
glowing in the Mom & tiny Auburn pictures, smile lighting her face as she watched and continues watching the most beautiful little girl in the world evolve into... Dan's big sister---she's just like you, Ton. ( :D :D :D) Moma telling me her hair is the same color as my original blonde color when I was little.

I'm pregnant!
The baby is due in September...whewwwww summer preggers will be a hot one...

Porch meeting
Severe Dysplasia...know more next Wednesday. A step below cancer.

Praying. Crying. Terrified. Bravery comes in bizarre wrappings.
Praying morning, noon, night, inside, outside...without ceasing.

Life has been good to all of us. We have all been good to life. It's not over & we aren't quitting. We won't stop fighting. We won't stop praying & believing.

Do I have faith? Yes.

And I won't stop praying.