Be a simple kind of man, be something you'll love and understand...

My guys are growing up. I tucked the covers gently around my little blonde boy with his brand new pair of boots and a kiss to blink and see him six feet tall with sparkling eyes and a sweet, funny personality. Although I knew he'd grow up someday, I never dreamed it would be now. I never dreamed there would be so many memories made, so many tears shed, so much laughter...and love.

What would I tell a new parent?

Give him to God.

Take pictures. A scrapbook or journal are a noble pursuit if you have time to pursue them. Take pictures. Freezeframe every detail you think is adorable, frustrating, funny or sweet. Color, black and white, sepia, dated, marked in folders on your computer, backed up on flashdrives. Take pictures.

Don't let anything stand the way of your love for one another. Love until you can't love another once, then love some more. Laugh every single breath, then tickle them again. Dance together @ age one and twenty-five, again @ ten and thirty-five. Never pass up the opportunity to hug. Pounce. Say I love you. Take pictures.

Stand by as they evolve even if the path they chose at the moment isn't one you agreed with. They might need you to pick up the phone & hear them say Mom. I'm sick. Mom. I love you. When you coming this way, Mom? Mom, there are times I wish things were different now-do you still love me? Mom, when I grow up, will you still stand by in case I fall even though you might have to stand back until I can get to you?

Take pictures of laughter, wrestling, shooting baskets, swinging bats, shooting arrows in trees, in targets, with deer, with fish, with friends, with family.









Pray like you never have before. To God, to Jesus, to all angels to stand near, ready to catch him, to hold him when you can't be there and yes, there will be times you can't be there.

Smile as you watch him make choices. Remember when you had the world by the tail and know that he's got some of you in him, know that he carries you in his heart from age one minute to sixteen years.

Relish every second, every minute, every hour you have together.

Love unabashedly, laugh completely, prepare him for days to come when life won't treat him like you would.

Teach him what truth, honor, determination, hard work and love can give him in the long haul.

And take pictures.

September

Hi September, old friend. It feels good to be caught in your embrace as leaves change without a sound, temperatures lighten, fall sneaking around the corner of life's path with memories glowing softly, edges gradual fade as time moves softly, gently whispering of tenderness and love through sunbeams fading.

Another Summer Gone

This summer has been incredible in a million ways. Butterflies dancing on the breeze as I hear the springs creak on our trampoline, Cole, Trev & Elijah laughing as they catapult through the air, lying on the trampoline catching thier breath before flying through the door to drink two gallons of water and a gallon of milk, chewing, laughing, teasing, glowing with the memories they are making. My eyes overflow with tears of happiness at the thought of them looking backwards and realizing these are the memories they cherish. Swinging from the rope swing, Cole and Trevor gradually coax Elijah into the water, first by begging, then by teasing and finally, by having a great time without him. He swims shakily across the deep points with them a split second away from him, aware of his every move. Stars really are brighter here. Laughter really has been more pure. Love really grows more beautiful with time.

Wise shopper

 When thinking about strength, laughter, love & family, I would be remiss in failing to mention Aunt Carolyn...she was an awesome woman that created two fantastic kids & lived & loved FAMILY her entire life. God love her. Had she not mailed coupons, called or stood up for me @ the drop of a hat, she would still be one of my favorite women of all time. She was onto something a long time ago that many of us should've gotten into by now. Family love was more important to her than anything anyone could ever have concieved. Her strength, her honor & zest for living life mach nine, teaching her heart out to kids of all ages through the nearby school as well as 4-H, made her everything she was.

I long for the days when Aunt Carolyn would answer her front door with a huge smile on her face, springing into action, telling me to pull up a chair & stay a while, how were the boys?, how was school going?

She made a huge impression on me in many ways as mentioned above.

Another impression made included a "Aunt Carolyn to Ton note"  with a ton of coupons that would appear in my mailbox.

She was wise in so many ways...family, acceptance, love, laughter, strength and full blown happiness.

After starting The Frugal Pickle on Facebook, we've seen our numbers rise & fall until the last few weeks. I think all of us are finally seeing the light @ the end of the tunnel & realizing we are looking straight into the glaring lights of the incoming train of inflation. I'm not sure how long it will take me to be the Extreme Coupon person, but wouldn't mind going on a cruise with money saved from coupons, on sale items and other various cutbacks in the family budget, a girl can dream, can't she?.

Coupon on!

Thank you God

We moved from having Arkansas Children's Hospital a couple miles away to a four hour round trip once a month, from stores and restaurants open late every day, job opportunities abounding, movie theaters, concerts and symphonies and movie night at the river with over a thousand people parked on the grassy hill by the river in Little Rock. There was a sense of living in a town of over sixty-two thousand and being completely disconnected from each of them.


There were times near the end of our stay away that I could almost feel sunshine sparkling on Lake Greeson and feel the gentle swing of porch swing that kept our secrets,  heard our laughter and held many deep family discussions.


It was time to come home... time to raise our children with the same values given us by our parents and friends' parents.


My wonderful husband and I were fortunate enough to return home, completing our family with our combined six children. The stable grounded life has helped all of our children flourish and has reminded me that sitting in the yard with the smell of rain rolling in is a peaceful place to be. Knowing we are are an hour or less from both sets of our parents is peace of mind unparalleled.


We moved back to the church I grew up in, many of the same church members that our own children are growing up with, a community that raised many of us together, knowing that no matter what happened or who we were with, our secrets would travel on the wind and those same secrets would beat us home.


We moved back to quiet country roads, ice cream by the dip at Dunlap's, lazy days at the lake, time at the Caddo River, jumping off Turtle Rock at Lake Greeson and into the realm of the fantastic Dr. Mark Floyd. We also moved back to an area of several small towns that made up a strong sense of community with a huge heart that pulled together as needs arose to raise anywhere from $14,000-$68,000 for any number of community causes from the family of an extremely ill child to our first ever successful Relay For Life.


Bright lights, big city? It was a learning experience, trial by fire and taught us both much about who we were and what we were capable of. It built intestinal fortitude and I proved to myself that I am capable, willing and able to take care of our family.


I was once told there was more to life than sitting in the front porch swing watching the world go by. True, but there's so much more to life than traffic jams, crowds, and big city life.

Watching the kids ride bikes in the yard, catch lightning bugs in the night and the peace of mind that comes from knowing that when the kids spend the night with a friend that they are safe with people we grew up with...this is my peace of heaven on earth.

Give me eyes to see

Faith
Truth
Life lessons
Laughter to carry forward
Bravery to do what is right
A pure soul to see true beauty

Wisdom to know when to stay silent

A heart to feel love through and through

Honor to recognize the right path for myself

The Tone

As we got out of the car, Blue said he needed to ask Larry & I a couple questions. We both recognized "the tone" and turned immediately to him.

He said, "Am I Autistic?", all the while never breaking eye contact with the two of us.

As I've left Autism an anytime open discussion, I said, "You have Autism, yes. Why do you ask?"

An aftercare provider told him that he wasn't "truly" Autistic.

There are many positives in Blue & I moving back to south Arkansas. One of those is without a doubt his step-dad, Larry, our protector and defender, my best friend. Our families, our church family which included friends, extended family and teachers. Yet another is having been raised around many of his school staff and knowing them in sports and grocery stores.

He values consistency, structure & truth.

He respects those that say what they mean and mean what they say. If a trusted person makes a statement to him, he takes it as concrete truth until it clashes with everything he has been told by his constant truths, his Mom and Larry.

Imagine how badly you hate being lied to. Now imagine that multiplied by a gazillion because in Blue's eyes, there is only black & white-no grey-no room for error. One of his constant, consistent measures of judging a person's worth (other than his innate, immediate clarity of their measure), is their ability to tell the truth.

Last night was painful. It was horrible. It was full of frustration. It was cloaked in anger. It gave Blue pause to wonder if everyone that speaks to him is lying. Again. It ripped a tiny piece of my heart apart for him. Again.

There are many contradictions, many ironies, many things that do not add up in the world of an 
high functioning Autistic (HFA) child. He nor I chose for him to be this way. We didn't chose to spend hours upon hours in speech and occupation therapies, at Dennis Developmental Center, UAMS/Strive or Child Study Center. We didn't choose for loud noises to bring him to his knees in agony, for Wal Mart to set off every internal alarm he has with it's unorganized chaos.

What parent would choose for their social lines to blur, for him to get into peoples' space without realizing he is overwhelming them? His rages, laughter, pain, truths...are dealt with in his way, not the way others deal with or perceive them. He grows better at realizing the lines, but still yet, it doesn't make him right or others wrong. What people view as spoilt, hateful, disrespectful...isn't always exactly the way they see it.

Each day life is a struggle in many areas for him. His social interaction and peer relations develop daily,  often behind the schedule set forth by education experts and doctors. Yes. He is aware that he lags in some areas while realizing that his intellect is sky high. He sees the look in some eyes that tell him he is annoying, frustrating and pushing the envelope in their comfort zone. He doesn't understand that they don't understand him, what makes him the way he is or the fact that hours are poured into improving his life by people that love him deeply. He realizes that many people don't want to be around him because of the above, but doesn't know (as other don't)  that occupational and speech therapy and aftercare are not fun and games, but part of his learning process, put in place to strengthen his weaknesses and help him learn.

Autism isn't and hasn't ever been stupid. It's highly intelligent in many areas yet, angers easily when pushed against comfort zones in school lessons, life lessons and situations that aren't easily controlled.
People tend to understand for the most part that he is a child with a neurological challenges. Most of the same accept that along with that, he has many huge abilities including his genius for anything math, his intelligence level, his empathy, laughter and deep love for the people that he loves.

What many might not realize is that when he accomplishes a goal that might appear somewhat lower and slower than his age, intellect & maturity, it has taken days, months and years to gain that ground. It has taken numerous ways to teach him, correct his views, create a safe environment for him that is structured, consistent and true to the high standards he holds for Larry & I, his measure of everything good.

I pray that people will someday be more willing to have a better understanding of neurological and physical challenges. I pray that when people speak to a child with any of the above, they remember that it could be their child being spoken to, judged and deemed to be worthy or not.


We struggle, have battles, have tears.

We walk the road together without a map.

We have faith, hope, laughter, love and one another.

We won't give up.

We don't need no steekin' normal

Excerpt from an older entry:

Blue...mentioned that he had a problem with normal. (?!) As in what? I asked him. He said I struggle to decide if normal is where I want to be, putting all my eggs in the everyone else basket or if it's better I'm myself because you love me the way I am. You love me all the time and if you love me, why would I want to be normal?

With age

With age comes:

Freedom to laugh at myself

The ability to enjoy dancing at WinterJam with my husband on one side of me and my youngest teen scrambling to get away from me in abject horror

Enjoyment in friendship, in keeping up with the friends that make my heart sing, in recognizing the value of true friends

Wisdom to recognize the users and not give them that permission
To own who I am, where I am and how I am, not taking ownership or responsibility for anyone else

That I don't own anyone the "right" to make me feel inferior...and they won't

Appreciation in recognizing where I was, where I am now and the ability to appreciate the road traveled between the two

Beauty of Stillness, not to be confused with laziness or slothing around.

Knowing that drama doesn't have to be mine, that I can't fix the worlds' problems

I can say no...and stand by it. No explanations needed, no is enough.

IF...I can help another soul on thier lifepath, I will. If I can't, I won't feel like I've let the world down

I don't have to overextend myself, I can gradually cut out all of the extra and focus on what truly matters to me

Believe in myself and who I am now...Tonya, Child of God, Wife, Mom of 3 bios & 3 in my heart, Daughter to awesome parentals,  Advocate, Damn good Moma, Domestic Goddess, Taxi Service all-in-one inclusive service, Friend, Partner in crime, Dreamer, Hippy Chick, Open-minded, Full of laughter,  Reader of books and people, Music guru and maker of the best lasagna soup on D'Vallee Casa

As shadows lengthen in my life's journey, I know that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

And I'm truly happy.

Mom, Why?

Mom, why do people think I'm weird?!
Why does no one want to play with me?
Why do have to feel like I've got to buy someone to have them play with me?
Why am I not invited to stay over with anyone?
Why can I not stay the night with my family?
Why do I feel better with you, but when I go to Dad's, I feel good with him, too?
Why do people say one thing & do something else?
Why are you the only one that will never lie to me?


Because they are scared that you might be smart, funny, bright, different from them.


I'm not sure, maybe we can work on that?


Maybe they are the ones that need help making friends-you know how scary that feels, don't you?


I'm not sure?


It's okay to feel good about being with your Dad & about being with me. It means you are safe & loved with both of us.

Alot of people are uncomfortable with people that make them look outside thier comfort zones. They aren't sure how to act, if it's okay to accept, what to do with the realization that we are all a little different in our own way.


Because if you can't say what you mean to say and stand by it no matter who is standing near or far away, your word is nothing.


(Yes, that's the sound of cracking you hear. My heart aches
because my son sees far more than he is given credit for, his tears ripping me apart)

(Dear Blue, You are a bright, shining star. Differences make you who you are...the funny, good, outside looking in humor, the laughter that bubbles out and yes...even the meltdowns that are fewer and further between. The snuggly hugs that I get @ breakfast make me feel like a million dollars. The way you get into the Star Wars Triology that we've been watching tickles me more than words can say because we share that love. The way you take care of little people (the three foot and under kids) makes me glow with happiness, your empathy and tenderness shining through, you being thier champ, "that big kid, Elijah", make my heart smile in the silence when tears fall and I can't make up the pain for you, the imminent frustrations, the heart-stopping sadness, the struggle to fit in with other kids.

 I wish I could teach you that being you, the Elijahblue that you are, is enough.

Be you, Blue. Shine your light.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mom)

Moving right along

Some of my youngest memories are of going across country to California with a car full of Garners, stopping at the Royal Gorge, looking forever down as people drove by us on the bridge, driving over the Foresthill Bridge, the road winding around the mountain, steadily gaining elevation as that homecoming feeling washed over me...sometimes just being in a place brings a feeling of peace.

As far back as I can remember, I've thought in cars and music.

I recall living in Russellville with a red VW van, curtains in the windows, blue with ships on them-bed in the back in place of the back couple rows of seats. Dad and Mom would throw a bag in the van for all of us and we'd take off driving. Wherever we'd end up that night, we'd stay.

Is it any wonder Dan & I have the traveling bug? :)

A different trip headed to California rolling to sleep to Mom & GranG's voices as Gran rocked Dan in her carrier seat in the Chevy Chevette...bags packed to the roof as we trundled across country. Yet another trip as Mom, Gran, Dan & I traveled across country in the extended cab red Chevy, camper shell on the back with a piece of plywood across the back held down by the camper so we could sleep. I'd look to the front seat and see Gran with Kleenex stuck in her ears, laughter bubbling over...or look behind me to the back seat where she'd have Kleenex stuck in her nose...Yeeeeeee would echo off the cab of the truck.

On the above trip, we finally wore Mom and Dan (our family's true compasses) down and as I got behind the wheel in six lane traffic in Salt Lake City, Mom's last words were follow the map, pull over if you get lost....Gran and I readily agreed and proceeded to get into traffic neck deep. As traffic flew past us with me driving 75 and 85, it was join the herd or be moved down. There was no move over bacon, there was only the sound of mine and Gran's skin sizzling on the six lane freeway of life.

Another legend was born.

Today, it began anew.

We ate breakfast, grabbed drinks for everyone and headed out. Where are we going? North. How long? Until we stop. Are we going to a certain destination or what? Yes. :) After bickering a few miles, we settled in to smoother sailing. As the miles progressed, we relaxed, talking, singing, tickling, picture taking, making memories that I hope they'll treasure when they look back. As we neared Queen Wilhelmina, starvation set in. We sat on top of the mountain eating, a family made of love, strength and memories in the making.

Maybe someday when they are grown, they'll look back to memories of road trips, laughter, music, (Mom, please turn it to 97.5---again, Trevor? That's all you EVER want to listen to---Yes, Elijah, again) and family.

Until next time...

You don't look very Autistic

You don’t look very autistic - the case for autistic empathy
With no look of apology or shame, I make my way to what others perceive as the front of the queue and wonder at the intolerance of those who grumble at me. Without the slightest embarrassment I talk over customers speaking with the cashier and ask for directions to what I’m looking for and when I’m told off, I’m shocked at the rudeness of people. I will seize on a part of what someone has said and seemingly ignore what really matters. I will say what is logical with complete disregard for the feelings of others and will merrily chatter on topics which clearly relate to their pain with no thought for how insensitive I’m being. With no thought for the care of merchandise or people’s belongings, I have helped myself to furniture and hoisted myself onto shelves to reach something I have been told I can use and am confused as to why anyone would then be annoyed at me that I didn’t wait or ask for help. I will say hello to a neighbor coming out of her house then ignore her as she passes me in a car or down the street. I will push someone out of my way when busy doing something. Clearly I’m a bad and selfish person completely lacking in empathy?
Think again.
I have autism. Some of you will feel that proves your point, that I’m selfish, rude, lack empathy or consideration for others.
I’m also someone who cares deeply about the world, about inequality, injustice and am often the first person to help anyone who is lost, hurt, crying or in trouble. When I do, I’m not heart on my sleeve but purely practical, often if I don’t start joking about whilst doing so (because people’s feelings make me nervous) I’m rather po-faced and its very difficult to know what I feel. But what I feel is empathy, a deep caring, a feeling of wanting to make their lot easier, that life is hard enough.
So what of these other things? If I’m so empathic why do I do these seemingly rude, intolerant, unempathic things.
I’m intermittently meaning deaf and meaning blind, also context blind, face blind and lack a capacity to process a simultaneous sense of ’self’ and ‘other’. What does this mean for everyday life, for communication and interaction.
Well, aside from being told ‘you don’t look very autistic’, being meaning deaf means that I will only understand parts of what I hear. Even then I will be utterly literal and effectively ‘meaning deaf’ to any deeper level of significance not only in what other people say, but in my own speech. I am speaking on an extremely literal level. Given I didn’t get even the literal meaning of sentences till late childhood this isn’t my failing. It’s my achievement. And its an achievement that gets so many nasty looks, nasty comments, nasty judgment from others in the community, that I tend to avoid most involvement, certainly with anyone new.
Being meaning blind means that I don’t recognise what I see until a second or so after I see it. Sometimes not until I touch it or move it. Once I move an object I know what it is. This is especially so if things aren’t in places that assist their recognition. So its like being blind, meaning blind. And context blindness is related. It means that I can’t process the part in the wider context of the whole. I can’t tell which end is the right part of the queue to join. Sometimes I’ll join any group of three people thinking its a queue and its not. I see things but don’t know what they are or how they might impact on each other. So I may go after the thing I recognise or which has been pointed out to me without realising that the things I’m climbing on are people’s furniture or that I’m moving around their valued objects. All I’m seeing are shapes and colors. And that brings us to face blindness. I can recognise a neighbor who is leaving their house, but outside of their context, they are strangers, almost everyone is. If I know where I’m to find someone, I can recognise them, otherwise I appear to snub people because I’m afraid of these seeming strangers who grin at me and wave, some even use my name and I’ve never seen them before in my life.
And then there’s inability to process a simultaneous sense of self and other. This one means that whilst in the midst of an action (self) I can’t process the meaning of things, people, interactions around me. People may be speaking but I hear noise and see mouths moving but don’t know they are speaking. I see a big moving thing in my way which won’t move but don’t realise its a human with feelings. I get annoyed at all kinds of obstacles and find ways around them and without an ability to process self and other when in the midst of an action, there is not capacity to even imagine or consider asking for help because perceptually, at that time, no other human exists. I also notice others. I notice them acutely, passionately. I study them. I love people. They fascinate me. But when they speak to me or offer me something they sometimes get no response. That’s when I can find them, but I can’t process my own existance at that time. How much less selfish can a human being get.
Non-autistic humans generally imagine they have empathy. They are subjective and have enough fluent capacity to simultaneously process self and other that they would perhaps rarely see other people in their pure form, without bias, as perhaps only God might see them. Some of these supposedly empathic non-autistic people tutt at me, they attack me, they study me, they quiz me, they wait for me to ‘trust’ them enough to ask for help before doing things, doing anything. They rush me, they watch me, they attribute my processing and perceptual disorders to character faults and then seek to help me learn to ‘get over them’, help me gain ‘insight’ into my lack of empathy. I look into their searching eyes, then look away, because I see only their selfishness and can see they can’t actually see me. Their minds are in the way.
Then I go home, slightly more lonely and alienated, dust myself off for another day and determine to not be scared and to continue to love them. I look in the mirror and their words ring in my ears ‘you don’t look very autistic’.
by Donna Williams
autistic author, artist, screenwriter
http://www.donnawilliams.net/

God's Going To Do Great Things...I Already Know...

Dear Daddy,

I can't tell you how I count my blessings daily when I get a phone call or early morning hey babe! love you! text from you. We came so close to losing you & still...we all flinched at the prospect of waking up and not seeing your smiling face or hearing you say let me give you some class, babe...as you play some more Zimmy.

We are doing the Relay For Life, May 13/14th in Glenwood in your honor.
Team Snoopy was the name YOU choose.
The heart & soul of our team were created from the pure love and dedication to your three girls, your determination to take care of Moma along with your desire to watch every sport your grandboys & grandgirls play for many games to come.

You are here.
We are walking in your honor, coming together with friends and family to celebrate your life, remember the many lives that cancer has crossed and celebrate the family members and friends that fought the good fight.

I love you, Daddy.

Team Snoopy

Today, my breath was torn from me by the soul crushing, gasping dry sobs that rip me into shreads in equal levels of fear, anger, frustration, determination, love, faith and complete and total support.

Tonight, it felt good to be alive. It felt good to be sitting at a table with people that knew exactly what the battle with cancer was about, the sundown, the darkness, the early morning silence...as well as the promise of conquering the unknown in dawn's early light.

Tonight, I looked across the room, hearing different people's stories of how thier lives were affected, but these were not "just" stories. These were people's souls, thier very breath carrying throughout, voices stilled, yet heard, pain felt and shared in mutual love.

Tonight, I sat near my father and sister, both battling the cancer demon and thoughts thereof. I listened to my dad as he spoke of his battle, his support system of his three girls...Dan, Ton & Sharon and listened as he said that today was his last day of radiation...while holding back sobs for Jenifer, Courtney and Shanna as their hearts quietly, bravely shattered in the silence.

Tonight, Dad and I talked on the way home from the Relay For Life Meeting. His decision to name us Team Snoopy brought to mind a million memories...

Memories of a three year old blonde keed listening to Sony headphones as her dad said let me give you some class, babe-this is Led Zepplin...
As a three year old brown haired girl danced around the same living room with the same pair of headphones on listening to ...you guessed it...Led Zepplin.
The huge superstar reception he always got when he'd come home off the road,
The pictures hanging on the walls of his domicile when he was working construction,
The tea parties where we all wore suits and ties...or something simliar...
The Royal Order of Snoopus clandestine meetings, 
Taking both his girls to see Motley Crue & Whitesnake in Shreveport,
Slow dancing with his Babe in the living room,
Laughing at the rear bumper of the truck as he said the camcorder isn't on, babe...

We'll pray hard enough to run off the devil, we'll prepare hard enough to scare off the cancer, to stand together to support Dad, Danielle, the people that have lost loved ones before us and the
people that will rejoice in a cure after us.

And in the end, we will know that we have celebrated life, love, our support system and a family's love, whether by friendship or by blood.

Until then,
Pray together,
Love one another,
Support us all
and
Celebrate life.

Team Snoopy.

Green & Pink Dewrags

And I'll protect you from anyone or anything that will ever try to hurt you because that's what big sisters do, I whispered to my brand new little sister as I laid by her in the floor, her little hand wrapping around my finger as she cooed at me.

TonTon! TonTon! TonTon! Her arms raised, swinging her in a million circles.

She was fascinated by the Christmas tree & would stare into the star ornament for hours when she wasn't trying to pull the star ornament off the tree. I don't remember how many times she pulled the tree over on herself that year.

Christmas morning in the trailor, she might've been three? She came out of the bedroom in her pjs, rubbing sleep out of her eyes to see her little race car & the little pool table, her face lighting with joy. It's one of my favorite freezeframes of her with her long brown hair fuzzled up from sleep.

Riding bicycles in the yard for hours upon hours as Buffy went mile after faithful mile with us.

Her first day of Kindergarten, such a tiny, pretty little thing with her shiny new backpack on.

The day on the bus that she picked up a boy by the front of his shirt & busted his nose because he wouldn't leave her alone & she & I both got sent to the principal's office. I can just imagine the look on Moma's face when the principal called-Mrs. Dingler, both your daughters were involved in a fight on the bus...laughing...

Her bunking parties filled the house with little girl giggles, blue eye shadow among other 6th grade favorites dissappearing out of my makeup bag as faces were painted and hairs were curled.

Will you hold my hand, too? I'll just sit here between you two as I brought a boyfriend to the house to have his heart melted by the brownhaired youngest Dingler girl.

Looking out the living room window with Gera as he kissed me the first time, giggling and telling Moma, he's kissing Tonya!!!!

Slipping a cutout from a magazine under my bedroom door that said play with your little sister...I still have it in a scrapbook.

Dear Tonya, I hate you, love Dan.

Played pitch with her in the yard for hours upon hours...got me ready for the same words from Trevor years later...

Took her to softball practices, watched her pregame rituals, her hair pulled up in a ponytail, her green & pink dew rags tied on her ankle as she played her heart out with Gera & Sonya-the game with Amity where the ball hit a rock, bounced up & broke her nose...

Her waking in ENT outpatient after her nose was rebroken saying where the hell am I?!!!

GranG taking us to the lake & threatening Dan within an inch of her life if she went out one more inch in the water because Gran couldn't swim...as Dan swam to the dock pretending to not hear a word Gran said.

Popping her Muppets movie in the vcr to find it'd been recorded over with much porn-Tonya, why are those people doing that on my Muppets tape?!!!

Taking her & Gera Christmas shopping with a boyfriend in Nashville, he thought he'd buy lunch for us all...gently trying to talk him out of it as he insisted...Dan ordered three burgers, three fries and two shakes...much to his chagrin...silly boy.

Taking her to the lake as we cruised in the batwagon-styling & profiling...playing volleyball in the summer with the lake kids @ the state park.

Cartwheeling through the living room with infinite grace as I continue to walk into walls to this day.

Losing a dear friend, I cried in my bedroom until I was almost throwing up as she came in, sit by me and held my hand...those little tiny moments...

Watching her climb out of the back of the truck in Nebraska as we stopped to stretch on the way to California...she keep unfolding & I knew then that Mom was right-all the tickling, teasing & being the honery big sister had finally expired. She was going to get me back for all of it now that she was growing up.

Dan, Jen, Shane running amuck-where you going, Dan? I don't know-anywhere Jen & Shane are going. :D

I'm getting married!
I'm pregnant! Awww Cole, you are the most beautiful thing in the world!
Awww, little Trevorbear-AuntD loves you!
Love you, little ElijahBlue!

I'm getting married!

I'm getting divorced.
Me too.

Porch meeting a couple weeks before Christmas. Dad has cancer. We are going to beat it...and we have so far.

Hogwild & faithful.

I'm pregnant!
OMG, Dan, she is the most beautiful girl creature in the world!
Why can I never find a shirt that says Mommy's little girl?!!! Searching for Mommy shirts hight & low as she took the world by storm, crawling, walking, dancing to 2 1/2 men music...
I'm getting married!


Auburn's Mom
glowing in the Mom & tiny Auburn pictures, smile lighting her face as she watched and continues watching the most beautiful little girl in the world evolve into... Dan's big sister---she's just like you, Ton. ( :D :D :D) Moma telling me her hair is the same color as my original blonde color when I was little.

I'm pregnant!
The baby is due in September...whewwwww summer preggers will be a hot one...

Porch meeting
Severe Dysplasia...know more next Wednesday. A step below cancer.

Praying. Crying. Terrified. Bravery comes in bizarre wrappings.
Praying morning, noon, night, inside, outside...without ceasing.

Life has been good to all of us. We have all been good to life. It's not over & we aren't quitting. We won't stop fighting. We won't stop praying & believing.

Do I have faith? Yes.

And I won't stop praying.

Tangled webs & Third Day

In the midst of all things Autism, Elijahblue has been struggling with writing as long as I can remember. He's in third grade & the battle rages on. According to his side of things, he was placed in In School Suspension (known as ISS from here on out) a couple days ago for refusing to write. I (un) rationally realize it's hard to him to do anything less than perfect in his eyes & writing falls into subunperfect in his mind. I've thought about buying Handwriting Without Tears & still on the fence about it.
 
I gave him his Avatar valentines to start signing his name to last night, thinking maybe a couple weeks of two or three signed a night would be attainable. It came to futile, tears & frustration for both of us. He said he'd do three if I'd write ten...ummm no. I'll do one, you do two, Mom. No. I'lll cheerfully hold them for you while you jump on the mini trampoline or stand on your head on my bed against the wall. Ummm no, Mom. What if I do one, then two or three in a week-would that work? Ummm. No.

Suggestions welcome @ any time.

Happy End of Normal!

Happy end of normal to you! Hope the world is treating you great! We've been running crazy between six kidlets (three bio-three love-o), basketball, doctors and well, ya know-life? Looking forward to a brief break, praying it's not a train @ the end of the tunnel, but if it is, it better be coming hard and fast to slow me down.

Yesterday as we drove home from Blue's med doctor visit eons away, he mentioned that he had a problem with normal. (?!) As in what? I asked him. He said I struggle to decide if normal is where I want to be, putting all my eggs in the everyone else basket or if it's better I'm myself because you love me the way I am all, you love me all the time and if you love me, why would I want to be normal?

All over again. All the time. I love him:)