We don't need no steekin' normal

Excerpt from an older entry:

Blue...mentioned that he had a problem with normal. (?!) As in what? I asked him. He said I struggle to decide if normal is where I want to be, putting all my eggs in the everyone else basket or if it's better I'm myself because you love me the way I am. You love me all the time and if you love me, why would I want to be normal?

With age

With age comes:

Freedom to laugh at myself

The ability to enjoy dancing at WinterJam with my husband on one side of me and my youngest teen scrambling to get away from me in abject horror

Enjoyment in friendship, in keeping up with the friends that make my heart sing, in recognizing the value of true friends

Wisdom to recognize the users and not give them that permission
To own who I am, where I am and how I am, not taking ownership or responsibility for anyone else

That I don't own anyone the "right" to make me feel inferior...and they won't

Appreciation in recognizing where I was, where I am now and the ability to appreciate the road traveled between the two

Beauty of Stillness, not to be confused with laziness or slothing around.

Knowing that drama doesn't have to be mine, that I can't fix the worlds' problems

I can say no...and stand by it. No explanations needed, no is enough.

IF...I can help another soul on thier lifepath, I will. If I can't, I won't feel like I've let the world down

I don't have to overextend myself, I can gradually cut out all of the extra and focus on what truly matters to me

Believe in myself and who I am now...Tonya, Child of God, Wife, Mom of 3 bios & 3 in my heart, Daughter to awesome parentals,  Advocate, Damn good Moma, Domestic Goddess, Taxi Service all-in-one inclusive service, Friend, Partner in crime, Dreamer, Hippy Chick, Open-minded, Full of laughter,  Reader of books and people, Music guru and maker of the best lasagna soup on D'Vallee Casa

As shadows lengthen in my life's journey, I know that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

And I'm truly happy.

Mom, Why?

Mom, why do people think I'm weird?!
Why does no one want to play with me?
Why do have to feel like I've got to buy someone to have them play with me?
Why am I not invited to stay over with anyone?
Why can I not stay the night with my family?
Why do I feel better with you, but when I go to Dad's, I feel good with him, too?
Why do people say one thing & do something else?
Why are you the only one that will never lie to me?


Because they are scared that you might be smart, funny, bright, different from them.


I'm not sure, maybe we can work on that?


Maybe they are the ones that need help making friends-you know how scary that feels, don't you?


I'm not sure?


It's okay to feel good about being with your Dad & about being with me. It means you are safe & loved with both of us.

Alot of people are uncomfortable with people that make them look outside thier comfort zones. They aren't sure how to act, if it's okay to accept, what to do with the realization that we are all a little different in our own way.


Because if you can't say what you mean to say and stand by it no matter who is standing near or far away, your word is nothing.


(Yes, that's the sound of cracking you hear. My heart aches
because my son sees far more than he is given credit for, his tears ripping me apart)

(Dear Blue, You are a bright, shining star. Differences make you who you are...the funny, good, outside looking in humor, the laughter that bubbles out and yes...even the meltdowns that are fewer and further between. The snuggly hugs that I get @ breakfast make me feel like a million dollars. The way you get into the Star Wars Triology that we've been watching tickles me more than words can say because we share that love. The way you take care of little people (the three foot and under kids) makes me glow with happiness, your empathy and tenderness shining through, you being thier champ, "that big kid, Elijah", make my heart smile in the silence when tears fall and I can't make up the pain for you, the imminent frustrations, the heart-stopping sadness, the struggle to fit in with other kids.

 I wish I could teach you that being you, the Elijahblue that you are, is enough.

Be you, Blue. Shine your light.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mom)