Time stops September 23, 2012 Finished

Leaves fall in my southwest corner of heaven. I stand in our backyard beside our huge beautiful ancient tree. My eyes close as leaves swirl around me, the breeze blowing through my hair whispering to me of memories lived, laughter deep and love true. Memories made of Daddy, can you see my fingers under the door, Daddy, can I laugh when you laugh, tea parties, hours of pitching and batting in our yard, hitting the ball down third at State, watching Whitesnake and Mötley Crüe live in Shreveport, traveling the states together...watching Harry Belefonte and The Beach Boys in St. Louis, cheering for two teams growing up-the Razorbacks and anyone that played the Longhorns, hours spent dribbling basketballs from hand to hand and shooting jump shots, graduating, marrying, holding three beautiful boys when they were born and becoming Papaw...becoming a single mom, striking out completely on my own, learning to live, laugh and love again, if you say I'm beautiful, I'll believe you, Daddy...autism, tears, jobs...laughter and love me through fall and snake pits, to hear love you, babe and hey ray, hey sugar, tell 'em who we are...walk me down the aisle Dad if in khaki shorts and his Razorback shirt because I asked him to come as himself, forty falls were memories. Laughter. Tears. Love. Twelve months were thankful I love yous and stories, life lessons taught, hard earned patience and peace alternating with soul deep desperation and nights of dry heaving sobs as I learned again that loving deeply, meant letting Daddy go with dignity, honor and grace when he said no more chemo, taking dual responsibility of pleasantries and thank yous, last days of pictures, hands held loosely, fingers intertwined, tears we cried together as we said goodbye in the only way we could find, hearing I am so proud of you-the mother you are, the person you turned into, I love you so much, babe. The hardest things in life are silent. The most pain letting go. Tears. Catharis.
Soul deep agony, kissing him that night and saying I love you, Daddy. Thank God I squeezed it in. Thank God for the Daddy he was. Thank God for it all.