The Tone

As we got out of the car, Blue said he needed to ask Larry & I a couple questions. We both recognized "the tone" and turned immediately to him.

He said, "Am I Autistic?", all the while never breaking eye contact with the two of us.

As I've left Autism an anytime open discussion, I said, "You have Autism, yes. Why do you ask?"

An aftercare provider told him that he wasn't "truly" Autistic.

There are many positives in Blue & I moving back to south Arkansas. One of those is without a doubt his step-dad, Larry, our protector and defender, my best friend. Our families, our church family which included friends, extended family and teachers. Yet another is having been raised around many of his school staff and knowing them in sports and grocery stores.

He values consistency, structure & truth.

He respects those that say what they mean and mean what they say. If a trusted person makes a statement to him, he takes it as concrete truth until it clashes with everything he has been told by his constant truths, his Mom and Larry.

Imagine how badly you hate being lied to. Now imagine that multiplied by a gazillion because in Blue's eyes, there is only black & white-no grey-no room for error. One of his constant, consistent measures of judging a person's worth (other than his innate, immediate clarity of their measure), is their ability to tell the truth.

Last night was painful. It was horrible. It was full of frustration. It was cloaked in anger. It gave Blue pause to wonder if everyone that speaks to him is lying. Again. It ripped a tiny piece of my heart apart for him. Again.

There are many contradictions, many ironies, many things that do not add up in the world of an 
high functioning Autistic (HFA) child. He nor I chose for him to be this way. We didn't chose to spend hours upon hours in speech and occupation therapies, at Dennis Developmental Center, UAMS/Strive or Child Study Center. We didn't choose for loud noises to bring him to his knees in agony, for Wal Mart to set off every internal alarm he has with it's unorganized chaos.

What parent would choose for their social lines to blur, for him to get into peoples' space without realizing he is overwhelming them? His rages, laughter, pain, truths...are dealt with in his way, not the way others deal with or perceive them. He grows better at realizing the lines, but still yet, it doesn't make him right or others wrong. What people view as spoilt, hateful, disrespectful...isn't always exactly the way they see it.

Each day life is a struggle in many areas for him. His social interaction and peer relations develop daily,  often behind the schedule set forth by education experts and doctors. Yes. He is aware that he lags in some areas while realizing that his intellect is sky high. He sees the look in some eyes that tell him he is annoying, frustrating and pushing the envelope in their comfort zone. He doesn't understand that they don't understand him, what makes him the way he is or the fact that hours are poured into improving his life by people that love him deeply. He realizes that many people don't want to be around him because of the above, but doesn't know (as other don't)  that occupational and speech therapy and aftercare are not fun and games, but part of his learning process, put in place to strengthen his weaknesses and help him learn.

Autism isn't and hasn't ever been stupid. It's highly intelligent in many areas yet, angers easily when pushed against comfort zones in school lessons, life lessons and situations that aren't easily controlled.
People tend to understand for the most part that he is a child with a neurological challenges. Most of the same accept that along with that, he has many huge abilities including his genius for anything math, his intelligence level, his empathy, laughter and deep love for the people that he loves.

What many might not realize is that when he accomplishes a goal that might appear somewhat lower and slower than his age, intellect & maturity, it has taken days, months and years to gain that ground. It has taken numerous ways to teach him, correct his views, create a safe environment for him that is structured, consistent and true to the high standards he holds for Larry & I, his measure of everything good.

I pray that people will someday be more willing to have a better understanding of neurological and physical challenges. I pray that when people speak to a child with any of the above, they remember that it could be their child being spoken to, judged and deemed to be worthy or not.


We struggle, have battles, have tears.

We walk the road together without a map.

We have faith, hope, laughter, love and one another.

We won't give up.

Tangled webs & Third Day

In the midst of all things Autism, Elijahblue has been struggling with writing as long as I can remember. He's in third grade & the battle rages on. According to his side of things, he was placed in In School Suspension (known as ISS from here on out) a couple days ago for refusing to write. I (un) rationally realize it's hard to him to do anything less than perfect in his eyes & writing falls into subunperfect in his mind. I've thought about buying Handwriting Without Tears & still on the fence about it.
 
I gave him his Avatar valentines to start signing his name to last night, thinking maybe a couple weeks of two or three signed a night would be attainable. It came to futile, tears & frustration for both of us. He said he'd do three if I'd write ten...ummm no. I'll do one, you do two, Mom. No. I'lll cheerfully hold them for you while you jump on the mini trampoline or stand on your head on my bed against the wall. Ummm no, Mom. What if I do one, then two or three in a week-would that work? Ummm. No.

Suggestions welcome @ any time.

ADHD/Autism Grape Flavored

Have faith in what you are doing and in yourself. Remember that he CAN verbalize even if it's only anger & frustration @ this moment. It took a while to recognize the challenges & will take a while to straighten out any curves you can.  It's got to be frustrating to be him & not be able to express all of his pent up feelings in a way that he knows is right. He may not be able to express his love for you when he's screaming, but never forget that he can only do that with the person (s) he feels safest with that he knows won't abandon him hell or high water.

 

Think of it as an interger-the number line in math-with positives & negatives.

 

The negative number days are the raging, screaming days where you don't think you can give anymore than you have-those days where you close your bedroom door & shake & pray. They are growth opportunities.

 

The sunshine interger moments are those brilliant, blinding moments of shining beauty where you know for a fact that he just crossed a point that he hadn't before & that even IF he can't get back there right now, he knows how fantastic it felt to get there & that it might be a little easier next time.

 

And know you are loved, prayed for & not alone. Write in a journal if you have time. Bubblebath, pedicure...both sounded silly to me until my PDD-NOS son taught me to slow down & appreciate the beauty in small things.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
Kahlil Gibran

Weak in Blue

The busdriver motioned for his step-dad or I to come to the bus Monday afternoon as he was coming down the steps. His face was flushed & he was running low grade fever. She pointed her finger at us & said Blue does NOT feel well, his chest is tight, his throat is aching & his head is hurting. TAKE CARE OF MY BLUE!

The ensuing night brought more fever, bone rattling coughing & a general sense of miserable for him as we struggled for him to get any rest between coughing spasms.

The following morning as we drove toward his dr.s' office, his school called to inquire after him. I was told that the previous evening as he waited in line to get on the bus for home, he told another child he'd cut his head off & that furthermore, he'd have two days of suspension for said deed. He went on to ask...are you SURE he is sick? This person has been instrumental in Blue's doing so well this year. He has fought side by side for him, with us. I calmly, quietly & clearly answered...yes. He ran 102 fever last night.

I asked if he'd spoken to anyone else that might've been near, that might have (?) heard my son possibly be provoked because that wasn't one of his common phrases. He said he'd not investigated it further as of yet, but planned to have a classroom meeting later in the day with the other child out of the room.

The following day, my son wasn't feeling much better & as he was suspended anyway, we slept in until I recieved a phone call from the aforementioned party. He had the class meeting & was told by several classmates that the child in question was sometimes annoying, frustrating & didn't always know when to quit. (Please understand I'm not for either side, but DO want the facts of the whole event no matter how good, bad or ugly)

My son remained suspended. He was in school ONE day this week with a SIX day weekend.
I'm highly frustrated as his behavior modification plan specifies in school suspension for verbalizing things such as this. My son is smart enough to be aware that if he says anything in a threatening manner, he will be suspended for 1-2 days, possibly more & has gone a full MONTH holding himself fairly well together.

If I & my husband don't stand our ground for my son, asking questions & getting to the bottom of each detail that paints the entire picture, who will? Who will protect him from bullies, social situations that will harm him & people that aren't willing to hear ALL sides before suspending him?

Two days, speedbump, three days

Celebrations come few & far between at times & when they do, they are HUGE i tell ya! Ye ol' gorgeous boy of 8 year old persuasion had another excellent day!  He wrote an exceptional amount in his writing lab & his teacher noted it with his 80% B grade. There is a zero difference between his 80% B & another's 100%. His effort is a huge joy to my heart. :) 


Eighteen months & a complete change of school staff later, times making changes & yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus. There ARE reasons to believe & little by little, it's coming together.


Just breathe, darlin.


As quoted by a dear friend in the last few days, "Dear Lord, I know there is but one set of footprints & it is because you are carrying (us) me during this time of trial & struggle." I have faith, hope &  deeply abiding love, the three strongest forces known to any. Another day, another tiny piece of our puzzle comes together.

Transitions

Wonder if most realize how many changes are made in a day...waking, shower or not to, which clothes...such important decisions that affect later decisions in one's day, running early, running late-rushed either way, practice after school-piano, football or baseball-which child to go where with?, what for dinner, the small grocery store family owned & operated or a rushed grocery run at one of the big conglomerate, loud music on the intercom, voices talking, calling names, lights flashing, people of all kinds coming at one, going as quickly as they come, hurry home, throw groceries in fridge, start dinner, homework as fast & clear as one can, dinner, shower, sliding between nice cool sheets at the end of the day...sigh...
so many transitions.

Can you imagine all of the above packed tightly into five second intervals with no break between? Can you consider the immense overload found in the sensory area of a person that has no brakes-no protection-no way to break all the above down into breathable, doable sections?

Compassion, love for another soul, kindness...begin here.