With age comes:
Freedom to laugh at myself
The ability to enjoy dancing at WinterJam with my a friend on one side of me and my youngest teen scrambling to get away from me in abject horror
Wisdom to recognize the users and the ability to walk away from them
Recognizing I can walk away from any situation not owing anyone
Appreciation in recognizing where I was, where I am now and the ability to appreciate the road traveled between the two
Beauty of Stillness, not to be confused with laziness or slothing around.
Knowing that drama doesn't have to be mine, that I can't fix the worlds' problems or take on responsibility for people other than my own
I can say no...and stand by it. No explanations needed, no is enough.
IF...I can help another soul on their life path, I will. If I can't, I won't feel like I've let the world down
I don't have to overextend myself, I can gradually cut out all of the extra and focus on what truly matters to me
Believe in myself and who I am now...Tonya, Child of God, Mom of 3 bios & 3 in my heart, Advocate, Damn good Moma, Domestic Goddess, Taxi Service all-in-one inclusive service, Friend, Partner in crime, Dreamer, Hippy Chick, Open-minded, Full of laughter, Reader of books and people, Music guru and maker of the best hamburger steak, mashed potatoes, gravy & biscuits around...according to T-rev.
As shadows lengthen in my life's journey, I know that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.
And I'm truly happy.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Wookie
As I woke E, I was singing him a silly song & telling him he was a wookie. His dimple popped, he opened an eye & he said I am not Chewibaca, Mom. I realized then that no matter how far away Heaven is, there will always be Star Wars.
July 23, 2013~Independence Day
January is the field of goals, decisions, life changes, resolutions, to look and see if time and hard work have put you where you should be in life.
July 23, 2013 was our Independance Day.
My mourning lasted several months as I tried to piece together any semblance of marriage, of give and take, of sharing, of breathing. I lost my self respect, my laughter, my independence and all that made me who I was.
The day the locks were changed with the boys & I immediately homeless, I lost anyl respect I had left for him, for anything good he did or will ever do again for anyone through church, on the street, my lifetime. I will continue praying that he finds peace and will continue to pray that his children do.
I have no respect for anyone that would try to destroy a child, cut off family members and friends as well as attempting to control every aspect of a life that began built on trust and faith or telling me to know my place, that if I made him feel more like a man, he wouldn't have to look at other women...waking me out of a dead sleep to question me about a phone number and text, then telling me we would need to pray naked, or changing the locks on a parent and three children, effectively locking us out of our own home, all the while knowing the youngest has Autism and wouldn't do well with immediate change.
The dreamhouse, the 2013 Malibu, the words "financial security" & a "check" no longer matter. It was never about material possessions for me. It was about faith, hope, trust and love.
Hearing that he told a mutual friend that I took everything from the house while he was at work...thank God for Stephanie Cogburn, Angie Crow, JRay White, Kevin Tigue, Cole, Trevor, Jacob Risner and anyone else that helped get the bulk of our material things while he helped, laughing and talking as our things were loaded up.
How quickly he forgot how many people were present and possibly forget that he demanded my sister, Danielle and April Porter not step foot on his property, the same April that his children have stayed the night with more times than any of us can count.
My being contacted by different preachers from different churches he has gone to in the last four months doesn't bother me. I've spoken with one that I have alot of respect for and look forward to speaking to the next that I have as much respect and admiration for.
I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mother in law and sister in law. I will miss them deeply as I will the kids. It isn't any of thier fault that he chose the path he was on.
The boys and I are at our church where we have been for over a year now. Elijah was baptised in May. Trevor was baptised in late July. Cole rededicated last Sunday...all in the span of the last four months. God is great.
In the beginning, I was terrified of everything. I was scared of my own shadow. Time truly does lessen the feeling of being paralyzed, of not being able to breathe easy. The first couple weeks, I couldn't breathe for fear of everything. Literally everything.
During the last four months, we have been staying with my friends, Tinker and April and their family. As she has said repeatedly, I would do the same for her. I understand on a daily basis how precious gracious acceptance is. When we give of ourselves, it's good for our soul. When we receive from others in any capacity, it is truly a humbling, blessed experience. Giving is far easier to accept, maybe because we aren't vulnerable at that stage.
I've learned that I can be alone and still be head over heels in love with the boys three.. I've learned his changing the locks to the home we bought together didn't stop Cole, Trevor, Elijah & I from creating a home of our own.
Anywhere I am with my boys...that is home.
We have been given a second chance as a family of four to stand together, to build together, to worship God together, to love together, to laugh together.
Thank God.
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
July 23, 2013 was our Independance Day.
My mourning lasted several months as I tried to piece together any semblance of marriage, of give and take, of sharing, of breathing. I lost my self respect, my laughter, my independence and all that made me who I was.
The day the locks were changed with the boys & I immediately homeless, I lost anyl respect I had left for him, for anything good he did or will ever do again for anyone through church, on the street, my lifetime. I will continue praying that he finds peace and will continue to pray that his children do.
I have no respect for anyone that would try to destroy a child, cut off family members and friends as well as attempting to control every aspect of a life that began built on trust and faith or telling me to know my place, that if I made him feel more like a man, he wouldn't have to look at other women...waking me out of a dead sleep to question me about a phone number and text, then telling me we would need to pray naked, or changing the locks on a parent and three children, effectively locking us out of our own home, all the while knowing the youngest has Autism and wouldn't do well with immediate change.
The dreamhouse, the 2013 Malibu, the words "financial security" & a "check" no longer matter. It was never about material possessions for me. It was about faith, hope, trust and love.
Hearing that he told a mutual friend that I took everything from the house while he was at work...thank God for Stephanie Cogburn, Angie Crow, JRay White, Kevin Tigue, Cole, Trevor, Jacob Risner and anyone else that helped get the bulk of our material things while he helped, laughing and talking as our things were loaded up.
How quickly he forgot how many people were present and possibly forget that he demanded my sister, Danielle and April Porter not step foot on his property, the same April that his children have stayed the night with more times than any of us can count.
My being contacted by different preachers from different churches he has gone to in the last four months doesn't bother me. I've spoken with one that I have alot of respect for and look forward to speaking to the next that I have as much respect and admiration for.
I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mother in law and sister in law. I will miss them deeply as I will the kids. It isn't any of thier fault that he chose the path he was on.
The boys and I are at our church where we have been for over a year now. Elijah was baptised in May. Trevor was baptised in late July. Cole rededicated last Sunday...all in the span of the last four months. God is great.
In the beginning, I was terrified of everything. I was scared of my own shadow. Time truly does lessen the feeling of being paralyzed, of not being able to breathe easy. The first couple weeks, I couldn't breathe for fear of everything. Literally everything.
During the last four months, we have been staying with my friends, Tinker and April and their family. As she has said repeatedly, I would do the same for her. I understand on a daily basis how precious gracious acceptance is. When we give of ourselves, it's good for our soul. When we receive from others in any capacity, it is truly a humbling, blessed experience. Giving is far easier to accept, maybe because we aren't vulnerable at that stage.
I've learned that I can be alone and still be head over heels in love with the boys three.. I've learned his changing the locks to the home we bought together didn't stop Cole, Trevor, Elijah & I from creating a home of our own.
Anywhere I am with my boys...that is home.
We have been given a second chance as a family of four to stand together, to build together, to worship God together, to love together, to laugh together.
Thank God.
3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
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