And so this is Christmas

As another year rolls on, I am thankful for my faith.

I am thankful for my family.

Mom is a huge source of inspiration and strength. 

The Seester is more of Daddy than any of us and each day with her is a treasure.

Cole-Always smiling, full of laughter, light and a hard working guy.

Trev-The keeper of the key, my level headed one and a rebounding and pitching machine. 

Elijah-My child of mystery, Far Side humor and a view unlike any other.

I am thankful for each growth opportunity I've been given.

 If I'm not pushed out of my nest occasionally, how will I learn to fly?

My family of friends-Thoughtfulness, kindness abounding & laughter unending.

O, star of wonder, star of night,

Star with royal beauty bright,

Westward leading, still proceeding,

Guide us to that perfect light.

Ahhh...Beautiful...

In this life, there are huge, explosive things that blow my mind, middle of the road things that amaze me and the quiet things that touch my soul. 

Being loved for me, all that encompasses the ups & downs of what can happen in a split second and still being there means so much. 

It means more than words ever could to me.

Being jobless has been a humbling experience for me. It has torn my self confidence apart. It has forced me to rely on my trust, faith & family, It has jerked me out of my comfort zone. I strongly dislike it. It's harder to be self objective when I have nothing. 

It's forced me to re-evaluate everything.

As I watched Aubs & Ronnie Beau dance, their faces alight with the sheer pleasure of feeling the music, I counted myself blessed to have this experience, this family and this love.

Smiling...
Ahhh...
Beautiful,,

Keep Me Where The Light Is

Fall comes faster each year. Maybe it's the change of seasons coming quicker, maybe it's time relative to the distance of my memories. I am thankful for the moment I realized I was given infinite faith and love. No matter what may happen, there was and remains love. The love I feel has changed over the years...from infatuation to thanks to peace. And every day I am thankful.

                                               .

Sunshine eternal

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness"...SE Hinton


I have learned much in months past including that people are rarely who they seem, that faith in people is outdated by the jaded, that life is too short to worry with those that aren't what they seem and that life goes on.

I've learned that faith will bring me home, love will hold me tight and that above all, family is everything.

The people that truly get me, get me. I don't owe anyone explanations. I never have. I don't owe anyone apologies. Again, I never have. 

I've been in touch with people that meant the world to me before my last marriage,  people that knew me better than I knew myself, that saw the difference in me then and realize the change in me now.

I am myself. I won't be more than I can be until I am ready. I won't be pushed, forced, coerced, dragged. I owe no one.

I am Mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Coworker. Student of life. Music lover. Hippie chick.
Reserved. Cautious as I enter the cool waters of living again.

Second, third, eighth chances are what it takes at times in life. I plan to utilize each of mine, living out every last precious drop of love, laughter, memories, hard work and life that I can. I forgive. I forget. I do over. I screw up. I begin anew.

The things I took for granted;family, friends, faith, laughter, love, memories, life...I can participate fully again.

Sunshine eternal.

Who I Am

With age comes:

Freedom to laugh at myself

The ability to enjoy dancing at WinterJam with my a friend on one side of me and my youngest teen scrambling to get away from me in abject horror

Wisdom to recognize the users and the ability to walk away from them

Recognizing I can walk away from any situation not owing anyone

Appreciation in recognizing where I was, where I am now and the ability to appreciate the road traveled between the two

Beauty of Stillness, not to be confused with laziness or slothing around.

Knowing that drama doesn't have to be mine, that I can't fix the worlds' problems or take on responsibility for people other than my own

I can say no...and stand by it. No explanations needed, no is enough.

IF...I can help another soul on their life path, I will. If I can't, I won't feel like I've let the world down

I don't have to overextend myself, I can gradually cut out all of the extra and focus on what truly matters to me

Believe in myself and who I am now...Tonya, Child of God,  Mom of 3 bios & 3 in my heart, Advocate, Damn good Moma, Domestic Goddess, Taxi Service all-in-one inclusive service, Friend, Partner in crime, Dreamer, Hippy Chick, Open-minded, Full of laughter,  Reader of books and people, Music guru and maker of the best hamburger steak, mashed potatoes, gravy & biscuits around...according to T-rev.

As shadows lengthen in my life's journey, I know that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

And I'm truly happy.

Wookie

As I woke E, I was singing him a silly song & telling him he was a wookie. His dimple popped, he opened an eye & he said I am not Chewibaca, Mom. I realized then that no matter how far away Heaven is, there will always be Star Wars.

July 23, 2013~Independence Day

January is the field of goals, decisions, life changes, resolutions, to look and see if time and hard work have put you where you should be in life.

July 23, 2013 was our Independance Day.

My mourning lasted several months as I tried to piece together any semblance of marriage, of give and take, of sharing, of breathing. I lost my self respect, my laughter, my independence and all that made me who I was.

The day the locks were changed with the boys & I immediately homeless, I lost anyl respect I had left for him, for anything good he did or will ever do again for anyone through church, on the street, my lifetime. I will continue praying that he finds peace and will continue to pray that his children do.

I have no respect for anyone that would try to destroy a child, cut off family members and friends as well as attempting to control every aspect of a life that began built on trust and faith or telling me to know my place, that if I made him feel more like a man, he wouldn't have to look at other women...waking me out of a dead sleep to question me about a phone number and text, then telling me we would need to pray naked, or changing the locks on a parent and three children, effectively locking us out of our own home, all the while knowing the youngest has Autism and wouldn't do well with immediate change.

The dreamhouse, the 2013 Malibu, the words "financial security" & a "check" no longer matter. It was never about material possessions for me. It was about faith, hope, trust and love.

Hearing that he told a mutual friend that I took everything from the house while he was at work...thank God for Stephanie Cogburn, Angie Crow, JRay White, Kevin Tigue, Cole, Trevor, Jacob Risner and anyone else that helped get the bulk of our material things while he helped, laughing and talking as our things were loaded up.

How quickly he forgot how many people were present and possibly forget that he demanded my sister, Danielle and April Porter not step foot on his property, the same April that his children have stayed the night with more times than any of us can count.

My being contacted by different preachers from different churches he has gone to in the last four months doesn't bother me. I've spoken with one that I have alot of respect for and look forward to speaking to the next that I have as much respect and admiration for.

I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mother in law and sister in law. I will miss them deeply as I will the kids. It isn't any of thier fault that he chose the path he was on.

The boys and I are at our church where we have been for over a year now. Elijah was baptised in May. Trevor was baptised in late July. Cole rededicated last Sunday...all in the span of the last four months. God is great.

In the beginning, I was terrified of everything. I was scared of my own shadow. Time truly does lessen the feeling of being paralyzed, of not being able to breathe easy. The first couple weeks, I couldn't breathe for fear of everything. Literally everything.

During the last four months, we have been staying with my friends, Tinker and April and their family. As she has said repeatedly, I would do the same for her. I understand on a daily basis how precious gracious acceptance is. When we give of ourselves, it's good for our soul. When we receive from others in any capacity, it is truly a humbling, blessed experience. Giving is far easier to accept, maybe because we aren't vulnerable at that stage.

I've learned that I can be alone and still be head over heels in love with the boys three.. I've learned  his changing the locks to the home we bought together didn't stop Cole, Trevor, Elijah & I from creating a home of our own.

Anywhere I am with my boys...that is home.

We have been given a second chance as a family of four to stand together, to build together, to worship God together, to love together, to laugh together.

Thank God.

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Tuesday

Seven years ago, I fell.

 

September comes, bringing with it every feeling, every whisper, every emotion emblazoned in my memory. It reminds me that there was a time when the stars aligned perfectly and I realized who I was as a person, as a living, breathing soul. It was more powerful, heartstopping and beautiful in it's simplicity than anything I've ever been a part of.

I have yet to catch my breath, even after all this time. How can it seem so close to five seconds ago?

Twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could

I am thankful for every second, every breath, every heartbeat.

Keep me where the light is...

Straight

The dark moments are further away with each breath, each step. Looking back isn't hard considering I find the past in my face constantly.

First, I pray for you every day without fail. I pray that God gives you stillness & the ability to look deeply @ the cracks in your psyche that maybe someday you will find a way to give them closure. No one else should have to do it for you. It's yours to do.

Second, thank you for everything you taught me. You taught me strength. You taught me that I won't break. You taught me that I don't have any reason to accept your anger, your accusations or your pitiful, paranoid ways. You taught me that no matter how hard you or any other person on this planet try, my family will not be torn apart. You taught me that narcissism, jealousy and anger are traits that were instilled in you long before I entered your life and they will be there long after I'm gone.

Third, I learned peace can be found in the midst of battle, that problems can be overcome & that I have never been and will continue to not be responsible for your problems, your anger, your pettiness, your jealousy, your misery, anything about you. I learned that stillness, quiet and love will flourish, that time will heal all and that not matter who you attempted to break, it didn't work. If anything it taught me to rise again. It set an example for my children on how not to treat a prospective mate in their future. They learned that I didn't accept that treatment, thereby setting the example that they not treat anyone that way or allow themselves to be treated that way.

Fourth, any respect I ever had for you left when you used your children as pawns while attempting to break mine. I am disgusted. I am saddened. I am not in the least surprised. Who knew how brightly your narcissism could shine?

Fifth, I mentioned the lack of respect I have for you above. I haven't mentioned that you broke the hearts of two boys that trusted you, that respected you and felt that you were as upstanding a person as you attempt to portray yourself and I use both portray and attempt lightly. There will come a time that you will be called out. I wasn't there when he realized you were a hypocrite, a liar or anything else that he spoke with disgust of who you turned out to be. I won't be there when you are called out.

Your kids. I am sad for them.
They will grow up. They will look back. They will question you. I pray for them that you don't try to break them if you hear something that doesn't sound the way you want to remember it. They deserve the best life has to offer. Too bad you aren't capable of giving them that.

As for me & mine, we will walk forward as a family rebuilding our faith, our laughter, our happiness and our lives...trusting in God, our church family, our blood family, our friends, our community and our lives and we will do it as a family.

09-13-13

The Impact of Seventeen

Friday night, Centerpoint SR. Knights played a regular season football games against Dierks SR. Outlaws in Dierks. Centerpoint's # 55 had leg cramps during the game but played his heart out.

Saturday morning, while hunting w/ friends, he again had leg cramps while in the water, went under & wasn't seen again. Saturday night's candlelight vigil brought over three hundred people searching for answers, ready to give of thier hearts, prayers and love to a family devestated.

Monday, we mourned, we laughed, we cried, we stood in awe of the impact one young life had on us all. His mother & I spoke as we stood by her oldest son's coffin, embracing as she told me that if any one thing happened in a positive way from this, it was Trevor's rededicating his life & getting baptised Sunday. She knew when she heard that that maybe it was reason enough. At visitation, people spoke on the young man's behalf, one woman standing up to give her nieces' testimony that she wouldn't have been saved or baptised had he not talked to her about God's grace. As we drove home from visitation, Trevor said I am going to talk to Dalton & Tony @ church. I want to be that guy, the one that helps lead people to God. A couple weeks earlier, he ordered his sr. ring w/ a cross , a baseball & a basketball on it.

Tuesday, we stood together as a community from all corners of the state, from other states, FHA friends lining one wall as football teammates in jerseys lined the other wall, baseball teammates, coaches, church leaders, church friends, family & family friends all stood as one to say goodbye to an incredible young man that was a true testimony to God's grace & pure love. It was said that he touched far more lives in losing his @ the young age of 17 than he would have had he lived to the age of eighty. If the fve hour vistation of over fifteen hundred people and the church standing room only from inside to outside were any indication, then yes, his impact was huge.

Tomorrow night, I'll celebrate love, pure & true, laughter, a sense of having almost everyone together that will hold me tight in it's embrace & carry me through one more time until we meet again. Quietly & with deep thanks that almost all of mine are together under one roof.

Thank you, God, for thinking about me, I'm alive & doing fine.

The talk...by the boys three

Mom, can I wear my sliders to school? Yes. Can I wear my athletic shorts? Yes? Can I wear my birthday suit? :D Just checking to see if you were paying attention, Mom. I think you are happier now that we are gone. Do you? I think verbal abuse isn't healthy for you. I can see how you would feel that way, babe. I hear you laugh more, hear you sing more & you are able to snuggle more at night. Win win situation for Cole, Trev & I, hmm? Laughing...nah...it's a triple win for me, babe.

So, Mom. The world is your oyster. What are you going to do first? Are you going to date? Are we getting married again? Questions questions...what is this, the Spanish Inquisition? It is MUCH more serious than that, Mom. This is your life we are talking about & that whoever dates you better walk the line because us three won't tolerate any bad treatment for you. I'm serious, Mom.

When are we going camping, Mom? It's cooling down & we have the tent. I'm ready when you are. Can I skip school to swim All day? :) Negative ghostrider. Wanted to make sure you were paying attention, Mom. I'll be right here if you need me. I love you, Mom. Good night. G'night Bleu. Love you more:}

Sooo Mom, I think we need to talk about you dating again. I think you need to start back immediately. No reason to wait around. Is that right? I have no desire to date right now & possibly ever. "Is that right?" Yes, Trevor. That's right. As one of the two men of the house, I think you should go ahead & start.

Hey Mom, yes Cole? I'd like to talk to you about dating again. I got nothing. Good, because as the man of the house, you should. Really?Okay, I will.

Silence...

Good. I'm glad we talked.

Love you, Mom. Good night.

The glow of memories transient bring a smile to my face as September comes back to me, tucked safely in my heart where all things beautiful & full of love reside. It's good to be in your presence again.

 

 

 

 

 

Sunrise

...I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end 
This is the end of the innocence   
Don Henley

 Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a cool change
Now that my life is so prearranged
I know that it's time for a cool change
Little River Band 

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Simon & Garfunkel

 

And then

 

 

Almost a year ago, I stood by helplessly watching Daddy fight cancer a second time with all he had. A year ago, my heart shattered on a daily basis as I stayed with him, tears flowing unchecked as we said every single thought, every precious word and managed to cram in a few more beyond. A year ago, I watched as he gradually withdrew into himself, my memories of a million laughs, songs, practical jokes, him being present for each of the boy's birth telling them he already had them a ball glove and the Razorbacks & Cubs were the best, cheer for anyone in the SEC and anyone that ever played the Longhorns, hey babe, hey catfish, Dad's rule #1-NEVER buy anything but Craftsman, teaching me to drive my '63 Chevy three speed on the column (on two wheels), telling Mom I broke his nerve...( :) ), the phone call that he was in the span of a breath.

Almost a year ago, I realized once again that family is strength, the backbone of life. I am fortunate enough to have not only my blood family, but my friend fambly. Both give and take, both love unconditionally, as do I.

During the past year, Cole started his Senior Year. Daddy's birthday came & went as did all of ours. Trevor hit it over the fence. Cole & Trevor played SR basketball & baseball together. Cole graduated high school. Auburn hit her first single. Elijah came off much medicine. Garrett played on in band.  Walker played second with all he had. Victoria cheered. Ronnie Beau grinned, walked and ran.

In the last month, I am grateful to be surrounded by God's grace, peace, love, light & laughter from every corner of the universe Larry & I, my family & fambly have created. Each a piece of heaven, a blessing of peace & harmony.

Thank you, God.

 

Meanwhile back in the jungle

I have a second date with a doctor in a couple weeks to see that there are no worries in the cancer department. My emotions are all over the place. I have three boys that have no idea how fast a train wreck may be bearing down on them. I have six kids to watch graduate, to see their faces light up when they see their babies for the first time, sooo many memories to make. Please pray with me that it will be no more than a minor speed bump.

Little Bear

A long time ago, a little boy was born with deep dark eyes and hair of black. Sweet, loving, tender, he evolved from the grumpiest little boy postnap to a sincere, thoughtful, sweetheart.
As years passed, memories were built. He traveled to NorCal, Iowa and all over AR making friends and memories. He stayed busy mastering Wii skills, pitching almost perfect baseball games & outplaying Pop at horse.
Memories and miles, love and tears...June 26th, he lost his biggest fan to cancer, his Pop. He was brave as silent tears flowed unchecked.
He stood tall as he held my hand at Pop's funeral, silent, with a hand on Nana as Taps was played and the flag was presented.
He started tenth grade in August, his big brother became a senior. His six foot frame gracefully maneuvered it's way through hours of basketball practice. As he took the court last night, I held back bittersweet tears. Poignant, proud, heart wrenching memories flooded my mind as I couldn't help but look for Pop holding our seat as usual.
Today, my six foot teen passed his written driving test. As he finished, he turned to flash me a huge smile letting me know that he'd aced it. I gave thanks once again for everything God gave me in a package of Trevor.

Giving thanks

I went to sleep two nights ago in prayer.

I woke up this morning giving thanks.

Each day, I am thankful for the chance to tell Larry & our six pack how much I love them.

I am thankful that my family, (biological and friend related) are able to take a breathe deeply, are able to run like the wind, are able to laugh deep and love hard.

I am thankful that I am more aware of the love and sunshine, the goodness in the world. 

Tonight I give thanks that Larry and I daily create a family, working together towards our dreams, step by step raising our children.


I am thankful for forty years with my dad, forty and still going strong with my mom, thirty-four years with the little seester.


May we grow healthy, may we cultivate time, devotion, dreams, laughter and love. May we see the beauty of each moment, each hug, kiss, touch...each look in the eyes of love.

May we gently, tenderly hand it to our children, our friends, our families, our world.

Time stops September 23, 2012 Finished

Leaves fall in my southwest corner of heaven. I stand in our backyard beside our huge beautiful ancient tree. My eyes close as leaves swirl around me, the breeze blowing through my hair whispering to me of memories lived, laughter deep and love true. Memories made of Daddy, can you see my fingers under the door, Daddy, can I laugh when you laugh, tea parties, hours of pitching and batting in our yard, hitting the ball down third at State, watching Whitesnake and Mötley Crüe live in Shreveport, traveling the states together...watching Harry Belefonte and The Beach Boys in St. Louis, cheering for two teams growing up-the Razorbacks and anyone that played the Longhorns, hours spent dribbling basketballs from hand to hand and shooting jump shots, graduating, marrying, holding three beautiful boys when they were born and becoming Papaw...becoming a single mom, striking out completely on my own, learning to live, laugh and love again, if you say I'm beautiful, I'll believe you, Daddy...autism, tears, jobs...laughter and love me through fall and snake pits, to hear love you, babe and hey ray, hey sugar, tell 'em who we are...walk me down the aisle Dad if in khaki shorts and his Razorback shirt because I asked him to come as himself, forty falls were memories. Laughter. Tears. Love. Twelve months were thankful I love yous and stories, life lessons taught, hard earned patience and peace alternating with soul deep desperation and nights of dry heaving sobs as I learned again that loving deeply, meant letting Daddy go with dignity, honor and grace when he said no more chemo, taking dual responsibility of pleasantries and thank yous, last days of pictures, hands held loosely, fingers intertwined, tears we cried together as we said goodbye in the only way we could find, hearing I am so proud of you-the mother you are, the person you turned into, I love you so much, babe. The hardest things in life are silent. The most pain letting go. Tears. Catharis.
Soul deep agony, kissing him that night and saying I love you, Daddy. Thank God I squeezed it in. Thank God for the Daddy he was. Thank God for it all.

Be a simple kind of man, be something you'll love and understand...

My guys are growing up. I tucked the covers gently around my little blonde boy with his brand new pair of boots and a kiss to blink and see him six feet tall with sparkling eyes and a sweet, funny personality. Although I knew he'd grow up someday, I never dreamed it would be now. I never dreamed there would be so many memories made, so many tears shed, so much laughter...and love.

What would I tell a new parent?

Give him to God.

Take pictures. A scrapbook or journal are a noble pursuit if you have time to pursue them. Take pictures. Freezeframe every detail you think is adorable, frustrating, funny or sweet. Color, black and white, sepia, dated, marked in folders on your computer, backed up on flashdrives. Take pictures.

Don't let anything stand the way of your love for one another. Love until you can't love another once, then love some more. Laugh every single breath, then tickle them again. Dance together @ age one and twenty-five, again @ ten and thirty-five. Never pass up the opportunity to hug. Pounce. Say I love you. Take pictures.

Stand by as they evolve even if the path they chose at the moment isn't one you agreed with. They might need you to pick up the phone & hear them say Mom. I'm sick. Mom. I love you. When you coming this way, Mom? Mom, there are times I wish things were different now-do you still love me? Mom, when I grow up, will you still stand by in case I fall even though you might have to stand back until I can get to you?

Take pictures of laughter, wrestling, shooting baskets, swinging bats, shooting arrows in trees, in targets, with deer, with fish, with friends, with family.









Pray like you never have before. To God, to Jesus, to all angels to stand near, ready to catch him, to hold him when you can't be there and yes, there will be times you can't be there.

Smile as you watch him make choices. Remember when you had the world by the tail and know that he's got some of you in him, know that he carries you in his heart from age one minute to sixteen years.

Relish every second, every minute, every hour you have together.

Love unabashedly, laugh completely, prepare him for days to come when life won't treat him like you would.

Teach him what truth, honor, determination, hard work and love can give him in the long haul.

And take pictures.

September

Hi September, old friend. It feels good to be caught in your embrace as leaves change without a sound, temperatures lighten, fall sneaking around the corner of life's path with memories glowing softly, edges gradual fade as time moves softly, gently whispering of tenderness and love through sunbeams fading.