And so this is Christmas

As another year rolls on, I am thankful for my faith.

I am thankful for my family.

Mom is a huge source of inspiration and strength. 

The Seester is more of Daddy than any of us and each day with her is a treasure.

Cole-Always smiling, full of laughter, light and a hard working guy.

Trev-The keeper of the key, my level headed one and a rebounding and pitching machine. 

Elijah-My child of mystery, Far Side humor and a view unlike any other.

I am thankful for each growth opportunity I've been given.

 If I'm not pushed out of my nest occasionally, how will I learn to fly?

My family of friends-Thoughtfulness, kindness abounding & laughter unending.

O, star of wonder, star of night,

Star with royal beauty bright,

Westward leading, still proceeding,

Guide us to that perfect light.

Sunshine eternal

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness"...SE Hinton


I have learned much in months past including that people are rarely who they seem, that faith in people is outdated by the jaded, that life is too short to worry with those that aren't what they seem and that life goes on.

I've learned that faith will bring me home, love will hold me tight and that above all, family is everything.

The people that truly get me, get me. I don't owe anyone explanations. I never have. I don't owe anyone apologies. Again, I never have. 

I've been in touch with people that meant the world to me before my last marriage,  people that knew me better than I knew myself, that saw the difference in me then and realize the change in me now.

I am myself. I won't be more than I can be until I am ready. I won't be pushed, forced, coerced, dragged. I owe no one.

I am Mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Coworker. Student of life. Music lover. Hippie chick.
Reserved. Cautious as I enter the cool waters of living again.

Second, third, eighth chances are what it takes at times in life. I plan to utilize each of mine, living out every last precious drop of love, laughter, memories, hard work and life that I can. I forgive. I forget. I do over. I screw up. I begin anew.

The things I took for granted;family, friends, faith, laughter, love, memories, life...I can participate fully again.

Sunshine eternal.

The Tone

As we got out of the car, Blue said he needed to ask Larry & I a couple questions. We both recognized "the tone" and turned immediately to him.

He said, "Am I Autistic?", all the while never breaking eye contact with the two of us.

As I've left Autism an anytime open discussion, I said, "You have Autism, yes. Why do you ask?"

An aftercare provider told him that he wasn't "truly" Autistic.

There are many positives in Blue & I moving back to south Arkansas. One of those is without a doubt his step-dad, Larry, our protector and defender, my best friend. Our families, our church family which included friends, extended family and teachers. Yet another is having been raised around many of his school staff and knowing them in sports and grocery stores.

He values consistency, structure & truth.

He respects those that say what they mean and mean what they say. If a trusted person makes a statement to him, he takes it as concrete truth until it clashes with everything he has been told by his constant truths, his Mom and Larry.

Imagine how badly you hate being lied to. Now imagine that multiplied by a gazillion because in Blue's eyes, there is only black & white-no grey-no room for error. One of his constant, consistent measures of judging a person's worth (other than his innate, immediate clarity of their measure), is their ability to tell the truth.

Last night was painful. It was horrible. It was full of frustration. It was cloaked in anger. It gave Blue pause to wonder if everyone that speaks to him is lying. Again. It ripped a tiny piece of my heart apart for him. Again.

There are many contradictions, many ironies, many things that do not add up in the world of an 
high functioning Autistic (HFA) child. He nor I chose for him to be this way. We didn't chose to spend hours upon hours in speech and occupation therapies, at Dennis Developmental Center, UAMS/Strive or Child Study Center. We didn't choose for loud noises to bring him to his knees in agony, for Wal Mart to set off every internal alarm he has with it's unorganized chaos.

What parent would choose for their social lines to blur, for him to get into peoples' space without realizing he is overwhelming them? His rages, laughter, pain, truths...are dealt with in his way, not the way others deal with or perceive them. He grows better at realizing the lines, but still yet, it doesn't make him right or others wrong. What people view as spoilt, hateful, disrespectful...isn't always exactly the way they see it.

Each day life is a struggle in many areas for him. His social interaction and peer relations develop daily,  often behind the schedule set forth by education experts and doctors. Yes. He is aware that he lags in some areas while realizing that his intellect is sky high. He sees the look in some eyes that tell him he is annoying, frustrating and pushing the envelope in their comfort zone. He doesn't understand that they don't understand him, what makes him the way he is or the fact that hours are poured into improving his life by people that love him deeply. He realizes that many people don't want to be around him because of the above, but doesn't know (as other don't)  that occupational and speech therapy and aftercare are not fun and games, but part of his learning process, put in place to strengthen his weaknesses and help him learn.

Autism isn't and hasn't ever been stupid. It's highly intelligent in many areas yet, angers easily when pushed against comfort zones in school lessons, life lessons and situations that aren't easily controlled.
People tend to understand for the most part that he is a child with a neurological challenges. Most of the same accept that along with that, he has many huge abilities including his genius for anything math, his intelligence level, his empathy, laughter and deep love for the people that he loves.

What many might not realize is that when he accomplishes a goal that might appear somewhat lower and slower than his age, intellect & maturity, it has taken days, months and years to gain that ground. It has taken numerous ways to teach him, correct his views, create a safe environment for him that is structured, consistent and true to the high standards he holds for Larry & I, his measure of everything good.

I pray that people will someday be more willing to have a better understanding of neurological and physical challenges. I pray that when people speak to a child with any of the above, they remember that it could be their child being spoken to, judged and deemed to be worthy or not.


We struggle, have battles, have tears.

We walk the road together without a map.

We have faith, hope, laughter, love and one another.

We won't give up.

Green & Pink Dewrags

And I'll protect you from anyone or anything that will ever try to hurt you because that's what big sisters do, I whispered to my brand new little sister as I laid by her in the floor, her little hand wrapping around my finger as she cooed at me.

TonTon! TonTon! TonTon! Her arms raised, swinging her in a million circles.

She was fascinated by the Christmas tree & would stare into the star ornament for hours when she wasn't trying to pull the star ornament off the tree. I don't remember how many times she pulled the tree over on herself that year.

Christmas morning in the trailor, she might've been three? She came out of the bedroom in her pjs, rubbing sleep out of her eyes to see her little race car & the little pool table, her face lighting with joy. It's one of my favorite freezeframes of her with her long brown hair fuzzled up from sleep.

Riding bicycles in the yard for hours upon hours as Buffy went mile after faithful mile with us.

Her first day of Kindergarten, such a tiny, pretty little thing with her shiny new backpack on.

The day on the bus that she picked up a boy by the front of his shirt & busted his nose because he wouldn't leave her alone & she & I both got sent to the principal's office. I can just imagine the look on Moma's face when the principal called-Mrs. Dingler, both your daughters were involved in a fight on the bus...laughing...

Her bunking parties filled the house with little girl giggles, blue eye shadow among other 6th grade favorites dissappearing out of my makeup bag as faces were painted and hairs were curled.

Will you hold my hand, too? I'll just sit here between you two as I brought a boyfriend to the house to have his heart melted by the brownhaired youngest Dingler girl.

Looking out the living room window with Gera as he kissed me the first time, giggling and telling Moma, he's kissing Tonya!!!!

Slipping a cutout from a magazine under my bedroom door that said play with your little sister...I still have it in a scrapbook.

Dear Tonya, I hate you, love Dan.

Played pitch with her in the yard for hours upon hours...got me ready for the same words from Trevor years later...

Took her to softball practices, watched her pregame rituals, her hair pulled up in a ponytail, her green & pink dew rags tied on her ankle as she played her heart out with Gera & Sonya-the game with Amity where the ball hit a rock, bounced up & broke her nose...

Her waking in ENT outpatient after her nose was rebroken saying where the hell am I?!!!

GranG taking us to the lake & threatening Dan within an inch of her life if she went out one more inch in the water because Gran couldn't swim...as Dan swam to the dock pretending to not hear a word Gran said.

Popping her Muppets movie in the vcr to find it'd been recorded over with much porn-Tonya, why are those people doing that on my Muppets tape?!!!

Taking her & Gera Christmas shopping with a boyfriend in Nashville, he thought he'd buy lunch for us all...gently trying to talk him out of it as he insisted...Dan ordered three burgers, three fries and two shakes...much to his chagrin...silly boy.

Taking her to the lake as we cruised in the batwagon-styling & profiling...playing volleyball in the summer with the lake kids @ the state park.

Cartwheeling through the living room with infinite grace as I continue to walk into walls to this day.

Losing a dear friend, I cried in my bedroom until I was almost throwing up as she came in, sit by me and held my hand...those little tiny moments...

Watching her climb out of the back of the truck in Nebraska as we stopped to stretch on the way to California...she keep unfolding & I knew then that Mom was right-all the tickling, teasing & being the honery big sister had finally expired. She was going to get me back for all of it now that she was growing up.

Dan, Jen, Shane running amuck-where you going, Dan? I don't know-anywhere Jen & Shane are going. :D

I'm getting married!
I'm pregnant! Awww Cole, you are the most beautiful thing in the world!
Awww, little Trevorbear-AuntD loves you!
Love you, little ElijahBlue!

I'm getting married!

I'm getting divorced.
Me too.

Porch meeting a couple weeks before Christmas. Dad has cancer. We are going to beat it...and we have so far.

Hogwild & faithful.

I'm pregnant!
OMG, Dan, she is the most beautiful girl creature in the world!
Why can I never find a shirt that says Mommy's little girl?!!! Searching for Mommy shirts hight & low as she took the world by storm, crawling, walking, dancing to 2 1/2 men music...
I'm getting married!


Auburn's Mom
glowing in the Mom & tiny Auburn pictures, smile lighting her face as she watched and continues watching the most beautiful little girl in the world evolve into... Dan's big sister---she's just like you, Ton. ( :D :D :D) Moma telling me her hair is the same color as my original blonde color when I was little.

I'm pregnant!
The baby is due in September...whewwwww summer preggers will be a hot one...

Porch meeting
Severe Dysplasia...know more next Wednesday. A step below cancer.

Praying. Crying. Terrified. Bravery comes in bizarre wrappings.
Praying morning, noon, night, inside, outside...without ceasing.

Life has been good to all of us. We have all been good to life. It's not over & we aren't quitting. We won't stop fighting. We won't stop praying & believing.

Do I have faith? Yes.

And I won't stop praying.