And so this is Christmas

As another year rolls on, I am thankful for my faith.

I am thankful for my family.

Mom is a huge source of inspiration and strength. 

The Seester is more of Daddy than any of us and each day with her is a treasure.

Cole-Always smiling, full of laughter, light and a hard working guy.

Trev-The keeper of the key, my level headed one and a rebounding and pitching machine. 

Elijah-My child of mystery, Far Side humor and a view unlike any other.

I am thankful for each growth opportunity I've been given.

 If I'm not pushed out of my nest occasionally, how will I learn to fly?

My family of friends-Thoughtfulness, kindness abounding & laughter unending.

O, star of wonder, star of night,

Star with royal beauty bright,

Westward leading, still proceeding,

Guide us to that perfect light.

Sunshine eternal

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness"...SE Hinton


I have learned much in months past including that people are rarely who they seem, that faith in people is outdated by the jaded, that life is too short to worry with those that aren't what they seem and that life goes on.

I've learned that faith will bring me home, love will hold me tight and that above all, family is everything.

The people that truly get me, get me. I don't owe anyone explanations. I never have. I don't owe anyone apologies. Again, I never have. 

I've been in touch with people that meant the world to me before my last marriage,  people that knew me better than I knew myself, that saw the difference in me then and realize the change in me now.

I am myself. I won't be more than I can be until I am ready. I won't be pushed, forced, coerced, dragged. I owe no one.

I am Mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Coworker. Student of life. Music lover. Hippie chick.
Reserved. Cautious as I enter the cool waters of living again.

Second, third, eighth chances are what it takes at times in life. I plan to utilize each of mine, living out every last precious drop of love, laughter, memories, hard work and life that I can. I forgive. I forget. I do over. I screw up. I begin anew.

The things I took for granted;family, friends, faith, laughter, love, memories, life...I can participate fully again.

Sunshine eternal.

July 23, 2013~Independence Day

January is the field of goals, decisions, life changes, resolutions, to look and see if time and hard work have put you where you should be in life.

July 23, 2013 was our Independance Day.

My mourning lasted several months as I tried to piece together any semblance of marriage, of give and take, of sharing, of breathing. I lost my self respect, my laughter, my independence and all that made me who I was.

The day the locks were changed with the boys & I immediately homeless, I lost anyl respect I had left for him, for anything good he did or will ever do again for anyone through church, on the street, my lifetime. I will continue praying that he finds peace and will continue to pray that his children do.

I have no respect for anyone that would try to destroy a child, cut off family members and friends as well as attempting to control every aspect of a life that began built on trust and faith or telling me to know my place, that if I made him feel more like a man, he wouldn't have to look at other women...waking me out of a dead sleep to question me about a phone number and text, then telling me we would need to pray naked, or changing the locks on a parent and three children, effectively locking us out of our own home, all the while knowing the youngest has Autism and wouldn't do well with immediate change.

The dreamhouse, the 2013 Malibu, the words "financial security" & a "check" no longer matter. It was never about material possessions for me. It was about faith, hope, trust and love.

Hearing that he told a mutual friend that I took everything from the house while he was at work...thank God for Stephanie Cogburn, Angie Crow, JRay White, Kevin Tigue, Cole, Trevor, Jacob Risner and anyone else that helped get the bulk of our material things while he helped, laughing and talking as our things were loaded up.

How quickly he forgot how many people were present and possibly forget that he demanded my sister, Danielle and April Porter not step foot on his property, the same April that his children have stayed the night with more times than any of us can count.

My being contacted by different preachers from different churches he has gone to in the last four months doesn't bother me. I've spoken with one that I have alot of respect for and look forward to speaking to the next that I have as much respect and admiration for.

I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mother in law and sister in law. I will miss them deeply as I will the kids. It isn't any of thier fault that he chose the path he was on.

The boys and I are at our church where we have been for over a year now. Elijah was baptised in May. Trevor was baptised in late July. Cole rededicated last Sunday...all in the span of the last four months. God is great.

In the beginning, I was terrified of everything. I was scared of my own shadow. Time truly does lessen the feeling of being paralyzed, of not being able to breathe easy. The first couple weeks, I couldn't breathe for fear of everything. Literally everything.

During the last four months, we have been staying with my friends, Tinker and April and their family. As she has said repeatedly, I would do the same for her. I understand on a daily basis how precious gracious acceptance is. When we give of ourselves, it's good for our soul. When we receive from others in any capacity, it is truly a humbling, blessed experience. Giving is far easier to accept, maybe because we aren't vulnerable at that stage.

I've learned that I can be alone and still be head over heels in love with the boys three.. I've learned  his changing the locks to the home we bought together didn't stop Cole, Trevor, Elijah & I from creating a home of our own.

Anywhere I am with my boys...that is home.

We have been given a second chance as a family of four to stand together, to build together, to worship God together, to love together, to laugh together.

Thank God.

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Time stops September 23, 2012 Finished

Leaves fall in my southwest corner of heaven. I stand in our backyard beside our huge beautiful ancient tree. My eyes close as leaves swirl around me, the breeze blowing through my hair whispering to me of memories lived, laughter deep and love true. Memories made of Daddy, can you see my fingers under the door, Daddy, can I laugh when you laugh, tea parties, hours of pitching and batting in our yard, hitting the ball down third at State, watching Whitesnake and Mötley Crüe live in Shreveport, traveling the states together...watching Harry Belefonte and The Beach Boys in St. Louis, cheering for two teams growing up-the Razorbacks and anyone that played the Longhorns, hours spent dribbling basketballs from hand to hand and shooting jump shots, graduating, marrying, holding three beautiful boys when they were born and becoming Papaw...becoming a single mom, striking out completely on my own, learning to live, laugh and love again, if you say I'm beautiful, I'll believe you, Daddy...autism, tears, jobs...laughter and love me through fall and snake pits, to hear love you, babe and hey ray, hey sugar, tell 'em who we are...walk me down the aisle Dad if in khaki shorts and his Razorback shirt because I asked him to come as himself, forty falls were memories. Laughter. Tears. Love. Twelve months were thankful I love yous and stories, life lessons taught, hard earned patience and peace alternating with soul deep desperation and nights of dry heaving sobs as I learned again that loving deeply, meant letting Daddy go with dignity, honor and grace when he said no more chemo, taking dual responsibility of pleasantries and thank yous, last days of pictures, hands held loosely, fingers intertwined, tears we cried together as we said goodbye in the only way we could find, hearing I am so proud of you-the mother you are, the person you turned into, I love you so much, babe. The hardest things in life are silent. The most pain letting go. Tears. Catharis.
Soul deep agony, kissing him that night and saying I love you, Daddy. Thank God I squeezed it in. Thank God for the Daddy he was. Thank God for it all.

Another Summer Gone

This summer has been incredible in a million ways. Butterflies dancing on the breeze as I hear the springs creak on our trampoline, Cole, Trev & Elijah laughing as they catapult through the air, lying on the trampoline catching thier breath before flying through the door to drink two gallons of water and a gallon of milk, chewing, laughing, teasing, glowing with the memories they are making. My eyes overflow with tears of happiness at the thought of them looking backwards and realizing these are the memories they cherish. Swinging from the rope swing, Cole and Trevor gradually coax Elijah into the water, first by begging, then by teasing and finally, by having a great time without him. He swims shakily across the deep points with them a split second away from him, aware of his every move. Stars really are brighter here. Laughter really has been more pure. Love really grows more beautiful with time.

Thank you God

We moved from having Arkansas Children's Hospital a couple miles away to a four hour round trip once a month, from stores and restaurants open late every day, job opportunities abounding, movie theaters, concerts and symphonies and movie night at the river with over a thousand people parked on the grassy hill by the river in Little Rock. There was a sense of living in a town of over sixty-two thousand and being completely disconnected from each of them.


There were times near the end of our stay away that I could almost feel sunshine sparkling on Lake Greeson and feel the gentle swing of porch swing that kept our secrets,  heard our laughter and held many deep family discussions.


It was time to come home... time to raise our children with the same values given us by our parents and friends' parents.


My wonderful husband and I were fortunate enough to return home, completing our family with our combined six children. The stable grounded life has helped all of our children flourish and has reminded me that sitting in the yard with the smell of rain rolling in is a peaceful place to be. Knowing we are are an hour or less from both sets of our parents is peace of mind unparalleled.


We moved back to the church I grew up in, many of the same church members that our own children are growing up with, a community that raised many of us together, knowing that no matter what happened or who we were with, our secrets would travel on the wind and those same secrets would beat us home.


We moved back to quiet country roads, ice cream by the dip at Dunlap's, lazy days at the lake, time at the Caddo River, jumping off Turtle Rock at Lake Greeson and into the realm of the fantastic Dr. Mark Floyd. We also moved back to an area of several small towns that made up a strong sense of community with a huge heart that pulled together as needs arose to raise anywhere from $14,000-$68,000 for any number of community causes from the family of an extremely ill child to our first ever successful Relay For Life.


Bright lights, big city? It was a learning experience, trial by fire and taught us both much about who we were and what we were capable of. It built intestinal fortitude and I proved to myself that I am capable, willing and able to take care of our family.


I was once told there was more to life than sitting in the front porch swing watching the world go by. True, but there's so much more to life than traffic jams, crowds, and big city life.

Watching the kids ride bikes in the yard, catch lightning bugs in the night and the peace of mind that comes from knowing that when the kids spend the night with a friend that they are safe with people we grew up with...this is my peace of heaven on earth.

Sheer Fortitude

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.


Christmas this year was poignant, softly, quietly the most beautiful Christmas i can recall. We had a house full of eight, then eleven, then seventeen. Amazing that such a small house turned into a home full of shining, beautiful love with new memories of stockings decorated at the kitchen table, five and one jumping on the trampoline, laughter spilling through the house in tandem and fantastic grilled burgers for Christmas Eve dinner.


Equally amazing was the perfectly timed adjustment in medication for Blue that made his entire holiday his shining moment...the entire day before the Eve of Christmas, Christmas Eve as well as Christmas day, the holiday began and ended perfectly with him declaring...I'm getting a hold on this holiday thing, Mom. :)
I celebrated this special Christmas with the most wonderful man on earth, my husband of three months and three weeks, our six healthy, beautiful children, my parents, my sister andr fiancee and thier beautiful almost year old beautiful baby girl as well as my husbands' parents, a fantastic pair of inlaws.


As I prayed throughout each moment for healing for my dad, I appreciated each small thing I was blessed with...our combined family, the sideways laughter, the excitement in thier voices as they asked from 7 am on Christmas Eve morning, can we open just one now? I gave thanks then as I do now, smiling, remembering that we are *not* alone, whether near or far, in heart. Miles calibrate distance, never taking into account the strength of love, the sheer fortitude of those that love truly and deeply.


We were blessed with two of the greatest friends on earth, both sacrificing a portion of thier Christmas Eve morning to take a myraid of family pictures for us. They braved elements of freezing temperatures and freezing snow around thier own Christmas preparations to indelibly etch in time pure love, unseen strength and raw courage tightly corded together by family.


Christmas Eve night, we went to "the house", my parents' home that will ever be Christmas Eve's home in both my sister's and my heart. We enjoyed perfectly grilled burgers, banana pudding and love overflowing. As presents were opened, laughter flew from corner to corner as orbs oversaw the proceedings, gently through the night. There were times when I could almost feel both Grans (D & G) watching over thier babies (my dad & mom), us, Uncle Bob nearby laughing with us, watching over his Wooligan, my mother.


Every day should be as radiant as was Christmas Eve this year. The quiet peace, the thankfulness that we, a family unit, made wonderful Christmas memories although not mentioned, yet not overlooked at any given moment.


The last few days, my eyes, my heart & my soul have been lifting my dad and mom in prayer, asking for healing, asking for no pain, asking for everything to be perfect for him tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning, we gather at the hospital as many people across our family and friendship lines gather in heart and soul to pray unceasing for his doctor to find no more cancer and that if he does, it will be taken care of quickly...painlessly, praising and glorfying His name.


As time draws nigh, I pray for the healing, peace, laughter and love that have brought us this far to take us into a new year together, family in our hearts, friends by our sides, healthy, happy and one.