Ahhh...Beautiful...

In this life, there are huge, explosive things that blow my mind, middle of the road things that amaze me and the quiet things that touch my soul. 

Being loved for me, all that encompasses the ups & downs of what can happen in a split second and still being there means so much. 

It means more than words ever could to me.

Being jobless has been a humbling experience for me. It has torn my self confidence apart. It has forced me to rely on my trust, faith & family, It has jerked me out of my comfort zone. I strongly dislike it. It's harder to be self objective when I have nothing. 

It's forced me to re-evaluate everything.

As I watched Aubs & Ronnie Beau dance, their faces alight with the sheer pleasure of feeling the music, I counted myself blessed to have this experience, this family and this love.

Smiling...
Ahhh...
Beautiful,,

Sunshine eternal

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness"...SE Hinton


I have learned much in months past including that people are rarely who they seem, that faith in people is outdated by the jaded, that life is too short to worry with those that aren't what they seem and that life goes on.

I've learned that faith will bring me home, love will hold me tight and that above all, family is everything.

The people that truly get me, get me. I don't owe anyone explanations. I never have. I don't owe anyone apologies. Again, I never have. 

I've been in touch with people that meant the world to me before my last marriage,  people that knew me better than I knew myself, that saw the difference in me then and realize the change in me now.

I am myself. I won't be more than I can be until I am ready. I won't be pushed, forced, coerced, dragged. I owe no one.

I am Mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Coworker. Student of life. Music lover. Hippie chick.
Reserved. Cautious as I enter the cool waters of living again.

Second, third, eighth chances are what it takes at times in life. I plan to utilize each of mine, living out every last precious drop of love, laughter, memories, hard work and life that I can. I forgive. I forget. I do over. I screw up. I begin anew.

The things I took for granted;family, friends, faith, laughter, love, memories, life...I can participate fully again.

Sunshine eternal.

Time stops September 23, 2012 Finished

Leaves fall in my southwest corner of heaven. I stand in our backyard beside our huge beautiful ancient tree. My eyes close as leaves swirl around me, the breeze blowing through my hair whispering to me of memories lived, laughter deep and love true. Memories made of Daddy, can you see my fingers under the door, Daddy, can I laugh when you laugh, tea parties, hours of pitching and batting in our yard, hitting the ball down third at State, watching Whitesnake and Mötley Crüe live in Shreveport, traveling the states together...watching Harry Belefonte and The Beach Boys in St. Louis, cheering for two teams growing up-the Razorbacks and anyone that played the Longhorns, hours spent dribbling basketballs from hand to hand and shooting jump shots, graduating, marrying, holding three beautiful boys when they were born and becoming Papaw...becoming a single mom, striking out completely on my own, learning to live, laugh and love again, if you say I'm beautiful, I'll believe you, Daddy...autism, tears, jobs...laughter and love me through fall and snake pits, to hear love you, babe and hey ray, hey sugar, tell 'em who we are...walk me down the aisle Dad if in khaki shorts and his Razorback shirt because I asked him to come as himself, forty falls were memories. Laughter. Tears. Love. Twelve months were thankful I love yous and stories, life lessons taught, hard earned patience and peace alternating with soul deep desperation and nights of dry heaving sobs as I learned again that loving deeply, meant letting Daddy go with dignity, honor and grace when he said no more chemo, taking dual responsibility of pleasantries and thank yous, last days of pictures, hands held loosely, fingers intertwined, tears we cried together as we said goodbye in the only way we could find, hearing I am so proud of you-the mother you are, the person you turned into, I love you so much, babe. The hardest things in life are silent. The most pain letting go. Tears. Catharis.
Soul deep agony, kissing him that night and saying I love you, Daddy. Thank God I squeezed it in. Thank God for the Daddy he was. Thank God for it all.

Another Summer Gone

This summer has been incredible in a million ways. Butterflies dancing on the breeze as I hear the springs creak on our trampoline, Cole, Trev & Elijah laughing as they catapult through the air, lying on the trampoline catching thier breath before flying through the door to drink two gallons of water and a gallon of milk, chewing, laughing, teasing, glowing with the memories they are making. My eyes overflow with tears of happiness at the thought of them looking backwards and realizing these are the memories they cherish. Swinging from the rope swing, Cole and Trevor gradually coax Elijah into the water, first by begging, then by teasing and finally, by having a great time without him. He swims shakily across the deep points with them a split second away from him, aware of his every move. Stars really are brighter here. Laughter really has been more pure. Love really grows more beautiful with time.