As we got out of the car, Blue said he needed to ask Larry & I a couple questions. We both recognized "the tone" and turned immediately to him.
He said, "Am I Autistic?", all the while never breaking eye contact with the two of us.
As I've left Autism an anytime open discussion, I said, "You have Autism, yes. Why do you ask?"
An aftercare provider told him that he wasn't "truly" Autistic.
There are many positives in Blue & I moving back to south Arkansas. One of those is without a doubt his step-dad, Larry, our protector and defender, my best friend. Our families, our church family which included friends, extended family and teachers. Yet another is having been raised around many of his school staff and knowing them in sports and grocery stores.
He values consistency, structure & truth.
He respects those that say what they mean and mean what they say. If a trusted person makes a statement to him, he takes it as concrete truth until it clashes with everything he has been told by his constant truths, his Mom and Larry.
Imagine how badly you hate being lied to. Now imagine that multiplied by a gazillion because in Blue's eyes, there is only black & white-no grey-no room for error. One of his constant, consistent measures of judging a person's worth (other than his innate, immediate clarity of their measure), is their ability to tell the truth.
Last night was painful. It was horrible. It was full of frustration. It was cloaked in anger. It gave Blue pause to wonder if everyone that speaks to him is lying. Again. It ripped a tiny piece of my heart apart for him. Again.
There are many contradictions, many ironies, many things that do not add up in the world of an
high functioning Autistic (HFA) child. He nor I chose for him to be this way. We didn't chose to spend hours upon hours in speech and occupation therapies, at Dennis Developmental Center, UAMS/Strive or Child Study Center. We didn't choose for loud noises to bring him to his knees in agony, for Wal Mart to set off every internal alarm he has with it's unorganized chaos.
What parent would choose for their social lines to blur, for him to get into peoples' space without realizing he is overwhelming them? His rages, laughter, pain, truths...are dealt with in his way, not the way others deal with or perceive them. He grows better at realizing the lines, but still yet, it doesn't make him right or others wrong. What people view as spoilt, hateful, disrespectful...isn't always exactly the way they see it.
Each day life is a struggle in many areas for him. His social interaction and peer relations develop daily, often behind the schedule set forth by education experts and doctors. Yes. He is aware that he lags in some areas while realizing that his intellect is sky high. He sees the look in some eyes that tell him he is annoying, frustrating and pushing the envelope in their comfort zone. He doesn't understand that they don't understand him, what makes him the way he is or the fact that hours are poured into improving his life by people that love him deeply. He realizes that many people don't want to be around him because of the above, but doesn't know (as other don't) that occupational and speech therapy and aftercare are not fun and games, but part of his learning process, put in place to strengthen his weaknesses and help him learn.
Autism isn't and hasn't ever been stupid. It's highly intelligent in many areas yet, angers easily when pushed against comfort zones in school lessons, life lessons and situations that aren't easily controlled.
People tend to understand for the most part that he is a child with a neurological challenges. Most of the same accept that along with that, he has many huge abilities including his genius for anything math, his intelligence level, his empathy, laughter and deep love for the people that he loves.
What many might not realize is that when he accomplishes a goal that might appear somewhat lower and slower than his age, intellect & maturity, it has taken days, months and years to gain that ground. It has taken numerous ways to teach him, correct his views, create a safe environment for him that is structured, consistent and true to the high standards he holds for Larry & I, his measure of everything good.
I pray that people will someday be more willing to have a better understanding of neurological and physical challenges. I pray that when people speak to a child with any of the above, they remember that it could be their child being spoken to, judged and deemed to be worthy or not.
We struggle, have battles, have tears.
We walk the road together without a map.
We have faith, hope, laughter, love and one another.
We won't give up.
