And then

 

 

Almost a year ago, I stood by helplessly watching Daddy fight cancer a second time with all he had. A year ago, my heart shattered on a daily basis as I stayed with him, tears flowing unchecked as we said every single thought, every precious word and managed to cram in a few more beyond. A year ago, I watched as he gradually withdrew into himself, my memories of a million laughs, songs, practical jokes, him being present for each of the boy's birth telling them he already had them a ball glove and the Razorbacks & Cubs were the best, cheer for anyone in the SEC and anyone that ever played the Longhorns, hey babe, hey catfish, Dad's rule #1-NEVER buy anything but Craftsman, teaching me to drive my '63 Chevy three speed on the column (on two wheels), telling Mom I broke his nerve...( :) ), the phone call that he was in the span of a breath.

Almost a year ago, I realized once again that family is strength, the backbone of life. I am fortunate enough to have not only my blood family, but my friend fambly. Both give and take, both love unconditionally, as do I.

During the past year, Cole started his Senior Year. Daddy's birthday came & went as did all of ours. Trevor hit it over the fence. Cole & Trevor played SR basketball & baseball together. Cole graduated high school. Auburn hit her first single. Elijah came off much medicine. Garrett played on in band.  Walker played second with all he had. Victoria cheered. Ronnie Beau grinned, walked and ran.

In the last month, I am grateful to be surrounded by God's grace, peace, love, light & laughter from every corner of the universe Larry & I, my family & fambly have created. Each a piece of heaven, a blessing of peace & harmony.

Thank you, God.

 

Meanwhile back in the jungle

I have a second date with a doctor in a couple weeks to see that there are no worries in the cancer department. My emotions are all over the place. I have three boys that have no idea how fast a train wreck may be bearing down on them. I have six kids to watch graduate, to see their faces light up when they see their babies for the first time, sooo many memories to make. Please pray with me that it will be no more than a minor speed bump.

Little Bear

A long time ago, a little boy was born with deep dark eyes and hair of black. Sweet, loving, tender, he evolved from the grumpiest little boy postnap to a sincere, thoughtful, sweetheart.
As years passed, memories were built. He traveled to NorCal, Iowa and all over AR making friends and memories. He stayed busy mastering Wii skills, pitching almost perfect baseball games & outplaying Pop at horse.
Memories and miles, love and tears...June 26th, he lost his biggest fan to cancer, his Pop. He was brave as silent tears flowed unchecked.
He stood tall as he held my hand at Pop's funeral, silent, with a hand on Nana as Taps was played and the flag was presented.
He started tenth grade in August, his big brother became a senior. His six foot frame gracefully maneuvered it's way through hours of basketball practice. As he took the court last night, I held back bittersweet tears. Poignant, proud, heart wrenching memories flooded my mind as I couldn't help but look for Pop holding our seat as usual.
Today, my six foot teen passed his written driving test. As he finished, he turned to flash me a huge smile letting me know that he'd aced it. I gave thanks once again for everything God gave me in a package of Trevor.

Giving thanks

I went to sleep two nights ago in prayer.

I woke up this morning giving thanks.

Each day, I am thankful for the chance to tell Larry & our six pack how much I love them.

I am thankful that my family, (biological and friend related) are able to take a breathe deeply, are able to run like the wind, are able to laugh deep and love hard.

I am thankful that I am more aware of the love and sunshine, the goodness in the world. 

Tonight I give thanks that Larry and I daily create a family, working together towards our dreams, step by step raising our children.


I am thankful for forty years with my dad, forty and still going strong with my mom, thirty-four years with the little seester.


May we grow healthy, may we cultivate time, devotion, dreams, laughter and love. May we see the beauty of each moment, each hug, kiss, touch...each look in the eyes of love.

May we gently, tenderly hand it to our children, our friends, our families, our world.

Time stops September 23, 2012 Finished

Leaves fall in my southwest corner of heaven. I stand in our backyard beside our huge beautiful ancient tree. My eyes close as leaves swirl around me, the breeze blowing through my hair whispering to me of memories lived, laughter deep and love true. Memories made of Daddy, can you see my fingers under the door, Daddy, can I laugh when you laugh, tea parties, hours of pitching and batting in our yard, hitting the ball down third at State, watching Whitesnake and Mötley Crüe live in Shreveport, traveling the states together...watching Harry Belefonte and The Beach Boys in St. Louis, cheering for two teams growing up-the Razorbacks and anyone that played the Longhorns, hours spent dribbling basketballs from hand to hand and shooting jump shots, graduating, marrying, holding three beautiful boys when they were born and becoming Papaw...becoming a single mom, striking out completely on my own, learning to live, laugh and love again, if you say I'm beautiful, I'll believe you, Daddy...autism, tears, jobs...laughter and love me through fall and snake pits, to hear love you, babe and hey ray, hey sugar, tell 'em who we are...walk me down the aisle Dad if in khaki shorts and his Razorback shirt because I asked him to come as himself, forty falls were memories. Laughter. Tears. Love. Twelve months were thankful I love yous and stories, life lessons taught, hard earned patience and peace alternating with soul deep desperation and nights of dry heaving sobs as I learned again that loving deeply, meant letting Daddy go with dignity, honor and grace when he said no more chemo, taking dual responsibility of pleasantries and thank yous, last days of pictures, hands held loosely, fingers intertwined, tears we cried together as we said goodbye in the only way we could find, hearing I am so proud of you-the mother you are, the person you turned into, I love you so much, babe. The hardest things in life are silent. The most pain letting go. Tears. Catharis.
Soul deep agony, kissing him that night and saying I love you, Daddy. Thank God I squeezed it in. Thank God for the Daddy he was. Thank God for it all.

Be a simple kind of man, be something you'll love and understand...

My guys are growing up. I tucked the covers gently around my little blonde boy with his brand new pair of boots and a kiss to blink and see him six feet tall with sparkling eyes and a sweet, funny personality. Although I knew he'd grow up someday, I never dreamed it would be now. I never dreamed there would be so many memories made, so many tears shed, so much laughter...and love.

What would I tell a new parent?

Give him to God.

Take pictures. A scrapbook or journal are a noble pursuit if you have time to pursue them. Take pictures. Freezeframe every detail you think is adorable, frustrating, funny or sweet. Color, black and white, sepia, dated, marked in folders on your computer, backed up on flashdrives. Take pictures.

Don't let anything stand the way of your love for one another. Love until you can't love another once, then love some more. Laugh every single breath, then tickle them again. Dance together @ age one and twenty-five, again @ ten and thirty-five. Never pass up the opportunity to hug. Pounce. Say I love you. Take pictures.

Stand by as they evolve even if the path they chose at the moment isn't one you agreed with. They might need you to pick up the phone & hear them say Mom. I'm sick. Mom. I love you. When you coming this way, Mom? Mom, there are times I wish things were different now-do you still love me? Mom, when I grow up, will you still stand by in case I fall even though you might have to stand back until I can get to you?

Take pictures of laughter, wrestling, shooting baskets, swinging bats, shooting arrows in trees, in targets, with deer, with fish, with friends, with family.









Pray like you never have before. To God, to Jesus, to all angels to stand near, ready to catch him, to hold him when you can't be there and yes, there will be times you can't be there.

Smile as you watch him make choices. Remember when you had the world by the tail and know that he's got some of you in him, know that he carries you in his heart from age one minute to sixteen years.

Relish every second, every minute, every hour you have together.

Love unabashedly, laugh completely, prepare him for days to come when life won't treat him like you would.

Teach him what truth, honor, determination, hard work and love can give him in the long haul.

And take pictures.

September

Hi September, old friend. It feels good to be caught in your embrace as leaves change without a sound, temperatures lighten, fall sneaking around the corner of life's path with memories glowing softly, edges gradual fade as time moves softly, gently whispering of tenderness and love through sunbeams fading.